The Airing of Grievances

Xtranormal Anyone?

I don't know why, but this shit is absolutely hilarious to me. Here's a little classic Assman...

Welcome to Insanity World

This is a follow up on Vandelay's previous post regarding the Franken arbitration bill.  It passed today BUT HOW THE FUCK DO 30 THIRTY 3-0!! LAW MAKERS VOTE TO PROTECT GANG RAPISTS!  And that's literally what they did without any due regard for the victims. That is an insane thing to do right?

Let's put aside that it's an extremely self-evident, morally correct, and necessary amendment to the defense appropriations.  How do you fucking rationalize voting against a bill that allows victims of any kind of assault to have their day in court.  Even if the defense industry fills their war chests every campaign they still must realize, on some level, any decent person is going find this revolting.  Am I mistaken?  

I believe only 7 Republican Senators voted Yea on it and three of them were women.  Do they think the Democrats are so gutless as to shy away from using it against them?  That's the only explanation I can think of.  "Democrats support killing babies.  We only support protecting rapists- and as long as they pay us that support- so we're the better choice at the polls."  Is that the rationale behind this?   I can't figure it out. 

Southwest Airlines: Wanna Get Away?

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Courtesy: HuffPost

Oops, I meant the other Reverend Race-baiter. Just reading the script.  Go fuck yourself, San Diego. I was laughing to begin with because she was leading into a discussion on finance and morality with Jesse.  And then she drops that gem.  How much are Rahm and Axelrod wishing it was Fox that did that?

What do the lazy Fatty's have to say about this?

"Another feather in the cap for the City of Detroit." "What do you call a few deaths in Detroit? A day that ends in 'y' " I can hear the other crappy jokes now. The City of Detroit has nothing to do with this. It's just tragic all the way around.

As a former stud athlete, then fat fuck, now kind of athlete who picked up running again a year ago, and ran a similar race not more than a few weeks ago, I see/hear shit like this and, well, cringe. I mean, how in the hell do three seemingly healthy men and avid runners collapse and die while running the same race within 20 minutes and two miles of each other? Is this coincidence? Or is there some possible foul play afoot? Tainted water? Crappy air? Christ, two of the guys were younger than 40 years old and they still collapsed and died. Statistically speaking, there are only 8 deaths per million participants in Marathons, so three deaths in a HALF Marathon seems really odd. It'll be interesting to see the autopsy results, but I'll go ahead and chalk it up to bad luck.

With that being said, I had a conversation with a co-worker of mine who came out with this gem: "See? It just goes to show you that running in any capacity is bad for you. That's why we have cars." He was being serious and not trying to be funny at all. Mind you, this gelatinous pile of shit was sucking back a French Cruller and a Monster Energy Drink, he reeks of Salami and cigarettes and sweats profusely just by pushing out a turd (I presume). This guy is an asshole. I can't stand him. Anyway.

Heart disease and overall fat-fuckery kill about 600,000 people every year in this country. Directly speaking, running doesn't even touch this stat. I was headed that way and yeah, I'll blow myself and say that I changed my ways and am in good shape. I'm not quitting the activity, I'll just make sure I see my doctor a little more often and hope that God doesn't want me while running and have me collapse wearing running shorts so short that my hairy balls hang out. No disrespect.

RIP fellow runners.

Friday Fun: Full Metal Rudolph

Warning: NSFW

Some Suspect Fine Print?

So I was watching TDS last night and got some background on this Franken-bill intended to stop the government from doing business with companies (cough***Haliburton***cough) that have contractual agreements with their employees to not be allowed to sue if they are raped on the job. I figured it might be a fun thing to add to this here web log but alas, not very genuine as I wrote one paragraph and sounded exactly like Stewart. So in lieu of that, I'm just gonna post the video.

Plus, I'm lazy.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Rape-Nuts
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Ron Paul Interview

Politics or Ethics?

As you know Rush Limptard got turned around at the door in an effort to secure a minority ownership position within the SL Rams franchise.  It seems 20+ years of fear and hate mongering are catching up to the rude dude with the crusty attitude.  The backlog of fantastic lies and hypocrisy stretching far out to the barren astral planes of inexhasustible despicability are the legacy of many but few can match Limabaugh in this practice without coming off as dangerously insane as evidenced by Glenn Beck.  

Now, Jim Irsay didn't go that far in his renouncement of the Limptard bid but clearly he is like-minded in this respect.

Kent Sterling, on the other hand has a different view.  He feels RL got railroaded by a bunch of bongo-playing liberal-assed football execs signing charity checks in their eco-sustainable loafers.  Sterling argues,

Anyone who has ever hosted a three-hour show knows that it is damn hard to make sense for three-hours, and it's almost impossible to talk for that length of time without saying something mildly regrettable.  Do it for 20 years, and my God, I can't even begin to imagine the crazy shit that would come out of a man's mouth.

If we are to assume that Sterling is of average intelligence we can also assume he didn't spend a whole lot of time thinking that statement through before posting it on 1070.  Anyway, I believe you can hold many of the comments made by football insiders as equally retarded as RL's though none come immediately to mind except Jimmy the Greek's which he was held to account for. 

So what says it greivers.  Did Rush get hosed by the socialist sports elites or did he make his own bed?

Shitty Burgers

Here's an interesting little debate. And by interesting, I mean, "Only in fucking America is this even up for debate."

It seems that there are a group of folks out there that would like to see hamburger eliminated from America's diets. No, this isn't a PETA thing, which is good, because those fuckers can eat my dick. These people are folks who have done their research on hamburger, specifically E. Coli contamination and, in some cases, have personally been affected by family or friends dying because of E. Coli related medical issues.

Now, I get the point of when something bad happens to the people we love, we are filled with a mix of emotions that cause us to react in a pretty hard line stance kind of way. People who lose loved ones to drunk drivers take that stance, as do people who die by firearms, drugs, etc. But hamburger? Somewhere, Ray Kroc is rolling in his Hamburglar casket.

Now, I have an issue with this. Why? Because I love burgers. I love hamburger helper. I cook chili with it. I'll put it's grease in my hair when I'm having a rough hair day. And I don't see the issue with it whatsoever. Really people, this is hamburger. A processed food that billions of Americans eat over the course of a year. And outside of a few isolated incidents where a person becomes infected by a pathogen that kills them, it is a safe food item that has made many people not go hungry, so relax. Not to mention we are debating an issue that only could be had in America. Millions of people are starving world wide, and here we are saying "burgers are bad for you. Eat Tofu." Fuck you. Ask the people of Darfur whether or not they are worried about poop in their food. You won't find one. Why? They don't have shit to eat anyway, nor time to worry about poop in the food they have.

With that being said, and while I agree that some food processing plants are shady and could use an ass kicking, "banning" anything is bad. Banning a food item because 3 people ate undercooked meat that reeked of bovine ass and died is going way the fuck overboard.

Really, I just loved the quote, "We have eyes in the front of our head. We have fingernails. We have ... teeth and long legs. We were designed from the get-go ... so that we could chase down smaller, stupider creatures, kill them and eat them."

Case closed.

The Only Political Question I'll Ask All Damn Year

I'm not the political type. It's just not my bag. So when topics involving politicians pop up on my radar, I tend to vurp a little in my mouth, gag a little, swallow it down like warm well Tequila at a seedy strip bar with a stripper who smells like the outhouse on a Tuna boat on my lap, and then I move on.

I also am not one with a very strong opinion on President Obama. He won the election. The GOP lost. Hannity and Beck are still crying on their cock shaped pillows. He is up for a job review in a tad under 1,100 days, whatever. He's the POTUS and I respect the position regardless of who sits in it. Fucking Kermit the Frog could be Prez and I'd still be indifferent. Pathetic on my part? Perhaps.

But tell me if this guy belongs on this list of people:

Mahatma Ghandi.
Kofi Annan.
Nelson Mandela.
Bishop Desmond Tutu
Mother Theresa
Martin Luther King, Jr...

Barack Obama?

Heh. Okay. Now, if he does belong on this list, what exactly has Obama done, citing crystal clear, incontrovertible examples, to win the world's most prestigious Peace award, the Nobel Peace Prize? Especially in light of the fact that the nominations were turned in on February 1st, a mere two weeks after his Inauguration.

Again, not a hater, I really just want to know how I can win one of these bitches to put on top of my kegerator.

Please discuss.

Muck Fichigan

So, I'm posting this now because on Saturday, when I wanted to originally write, I was fucking shitfaced beyond all recognition. In fact, if I had typed anything after what I experienced, I'm pretty sure it would have come across like half of the MySpace blogs written on a daily basis...illegible and full of such bullshit nonsense that people would question the very existence of brain matter in my skull. So, I refrained. Good call.

Where was I to get so absolutely polluted? An Elton John concert with Vandelay? Fuck no. A town hall teabag party in Cow Fuck, Missouri? Hardly. No, I was in East Lansing at Michigan v. Michigan State at the home for the hottest and most morally flexible co-eds north of Florida...good ol' Michigan State University. The original Land Grant state funded institution best known for graduating the most full blown alcoholics in this great land of ours and setting things on fire after a Michigan State LOSS aka my Alma Mater.

But oh what a Saturday it was. And let me tell you of a few observations I picked up (the ones I can remember anyway) from that rainy, cold, dreary drunk as fuck day...

1. Certain old people suck. Well, the group of fogeys I saw on Saturday sucked. Really old people I saw on Saturday, you are making me rethink my stance on Death Panels. You show up to a college campus, on arguably the biggest day in this State's college football season, and you trudge around all slow in your Buick Skylarks and, get this, whine that there are too many kids and too much drinking around? Goddamn it Crusty. Take your ten inch black and white magnavox to the Perkins down the road, watch JAG re-runs and choke on a piece of cherry cream pie.

2. University of Michigan Fan is the worst fan of any sport in the Nation. Yeah, even worse than Red Sox/Patriot/Celtic fan. Amazing. It's one thing to have graduated from that University, which, for the record, I think is a great school. (I mean if my kid gets into U of M, I have no problem writing that check, so long as he doesn't major in Dead European Languages, grow a beard, start dating a chick with more bush than in a National Geographic and claim that Nietzche was the single greatest influence on mankind. Because that honor goes to Gilbert Gottfried.)

But typical Michigan fan has not even set foot anywhere near Ann Arbor, let alone can even find it on the map. And they are all in your grill about football history and winningest program in CFB and MSU is the little brother and FUCK YOU SPARTY! They wear their Tate Forcier gear and still bitch about how Desmond Howard was interfered with in 1990 and STATE SUCKS all the while the grease from their work boots from their job at the local Tool and Die shop is dripping. At least this was U of M fan I saw this weekend. It was fun to see them catching hell from evereyone after the game though, what with their quick comebacks and intellectual quips like "Fuck You". Good times. Eat a bag of fuck.

3. I swore I'd never be one, but there I was, the creepy 30+ year old guy scoping the girls out. MSU has some nice looking ladies. The spank bank is filled. Hey, at least they're legal. (See: Polansky, Roman)

My brain hurts. I feel like Miguel Cabrera after a night of getting the piss beat out of him by his Latino broad for being hammered. I think I'll stop here for now. Stay thirsty my friends.

Splooge City!

In case you haven't noticed, and judging by the attendance you haven't, the Detroit Lions won a football game! Sweet Moses of Motown! I'm pretty sure that I blew a $3 Honolulu Blue Hawaiian Wonder Cooler all over the place and blacked out (like the game was in Detroit) after seeing the clock hit 0:00 and the Lions having five more points than The Deadskins.

As a life long LieDowns fan and driver of the Bandwagon, I can honestly say that this team really looks...

Mediocre. Still. Mediocre is better than fucking pathetic, which should account for a few more wins this year. All I can say is goddamn it, I'm happier than a vat of Astroglide at a swingers party and for the next five days, I'll revel in it because it might be 2010 before I feel this way about my football team again.

Oh, and don't look now, but the Lions have the same record as the "official" AofG football squad. How 'bout them apples?

P.S.- Stafford can cool it with the Broadway Joe "walk off the field with the #1 in the air" bit. Good game, but you ain't the '68 J-E-T-S.

P.S.S.- It was good to see that the Ford family brought out their resident corpse, errr, owner (see: Ford, William Clay) to see this one. Seriously, that embalming fluid makes him look pale. Put him in a box already.

Okay Look...

It was funny at one point. At least I thought it was funny and really that's all I care about. I think I carved a nice little niche with that whole "Vandelay goes to concerts that only chicks and homosexuals go to and has a good time and then blogs about it" schtick and if my self-deprecation can inspire a few laughs then I figured...why the hell not? I'm certainly past any point in my life where I'm trying to impress anyone (the curve ball is still fucking nasty though). Unfortunately, I think this is going to just about do it because I need to be beaten like a rented mule for what I've done and I'm pleading to a nation of Grievers to take care of business for me here.

Now, I don't want to beat around the bush and I certainly don't want to say the wrong thing or mislead you in any way. I need a good old fashioned ass-kicking. I can't do this anymore and there's really only one solution: unfathomable amounts of pain inflicted upon me for a long time. I don't necessarily want to die but I know the risks going in. Bring Chuck Norris if you must. Bring Clubber Lang! Bring the Gimp for all I care! Bring torture devices that will make Barry Manilow music seem like Jimi Hendrix while tripping on acid!

It's become clear that I don't have the will power to turn this around without assistance. I'm asking, begging, pleading...save me from myself, Grievers. I got nothing left. I got nowhere else to go!

Nowhere...

Else...

To go!

Stupid People Are Fun!

Our man Chiles came across this video chronicling some of the folks at the Tea Parties in DC this past weekend. Yes, I realize there probably are some people there who have some sense of why they're there or what they're talking about and this is the product of some fine editing but those people aren't funny.

So many gems in here but if I have to pick a favorite I'll go with "You know this how?" I'll leave that open for debate though. Do yourself a favor and set aside the ten minutes. Trust me on this.

Losers Of The Weekend

Kanye West Hates White People

I'm sure everyone except for maybe my brother has heard about Kanye's little stunt at the VMAs by now. It's a big deal because it gave like seventy of my facebook friends a chance to spew their moral indignation all over the joint and many other people the opportunity to state something painfully obvious but act like they were being enlightening. Yes, Kanye is an idiot. Kanye also sorta has a point though.

How the fuck does Beyonce' win "Best Video" but not "Best Female Video"? There's only two conclusions to be drawn here...

1. It's a stupid token award that means nothing and Taylor Swift shouldn't take herself so seriously.
2. Beyonce' has a penis.

I mean, as far as awards go, this is about as condescending as they come anyway, isn't it? Can we start calling Tyson Gay the best male sprinter on the planet?

Serena Hates Asian People

So she's serving to stay in her semi-final match at Flushing Meadows at 15-30 and foot-faults a second serve bringing it to 15-40 whereby she decides to threaten the line judge that had the audacity to enforce the rules of tennis resulting in a point penalty on match point and subsequently costing her the match. I hate this idea that anything goes on big points. I tip my hat to that little Asian woman and wouldn't ever want to see Chiles' girlfriend "shove a fucking ball up her ass."

Want to know the best way to avoid this happening to you if you ever happen to be in a US Open semi? Don't foot-fault! Everybody who picks up tennis should watch Boris Becker serve and just learn it. Becker would have never gotten called for a foot-fault because he doesn't move his feet and way too many players have to pull this shit with their back foot coming around and it's completely unnecessary. I offer her no points and may God have mercy on her soul.

Leodis McKelvin Hates His Knee

Seriously...that was retarded. Thankfully for him, it was only the second-most retarded thing from that game though...

Christmas in September

That's right Grievers! Here's a hearty reminder that the official team of the AofG commences it's title defense tonight in the City of Champions. If you're home, here's your viewing schedule for the day:

10:00 AM AMERICA'S GAME
Re-live the story of the 1974 Steelers through the eyes of Joe Greene, Andy Russel and Franco Harris. Narrated by Ed Harris.

11:00 AM AMERICA'S GAME
Re-live the story of the 1975 Steelers through the eyes of Lynn Swann, Mike Wagner and Dwight White. The 1975 Steelers were voted as the 7th greatest Super Bowl-winning team of all-time by a panel of football experts. Narrated by Bruce Willis.

12:00 PM AMERICA'S GAME
Re-live the story of the 1978 Steelers through the eyes of Rocky Bleier, Randy Grossman, Mel Blount and Joe Greene. The 1978 Steelers were voted as the 3rd greatest Super Bowl-winning team of all-time by a panel of football experts. Narrated by Bruce Willis.

1:00 PM AMERICA'S GAME
Re-live the story of the 1979 Steelers through the eyes of John Stalworth, LC Greenwood and John Banaszak. Narrated by Ed Harris.

2:00 PM AMERICA'S GAME
Re-live the story of the 2005 Steelers through the eyes of Bill Cowher, Jerome Bettis and Joey Porter. Narrated by Tom Selleck.

3:00 PM AMERICA'S GAME
Re-live the story of the 2008 Steelers through the eyes of Mike Tomlin, Ben Roethlisberger and Troy Polamalu.

5:00 PM NFL TOTAL ACCESS: 2009 SEASON KICKOFF
NFL Total Access is the NFL's show of record, providing daily news, interviews and analysis from around the league. This special 2009 Season Kickoff edition previews the 2009 season opener between the Tennessee Titans and defending Super Bowl Champion Pittsburgh Steelers.

8:30 PM NBC: TITANS AT STEELERS
Oh yeah...it's on.

If you're not home, just watch this on a continuous loop all afternoon...

For the People Chanting and Shaving Goats Today...

...allow me to let you in on a little secret:

The date 09/09/09 doesn't mean jack shit. No...it doesn't.

 

So please. All you turds out there preaching doom and gloom, or hell bent on letting me know that today's date matches (who cares), or even sending me Facebook updates and all that bullshit can stop now because you're pissing me off.

Look. This "date" would have had zero significance as of 1581, but that was the last year we had a calendar other than the Gregorian calendar creating the current dates and all that shit. So there will be no planets aligning, there will be no apocalypse, there will be no jump start to the economy. There will be nothing but general horse fucking, goat shaving, fruitcakes preaching on about how the number nines in order means that God himself is coming down from Heaven and spit lubing his cock to jam it in our asses.

So to you all that keep reminding me, a hearty fuck you.

Have a nice day.

P.S.- I don't want to play Mafia Wars either, so eat a dick.

I Need Some Tats

I mean I'm as gangster as most, but come on. I can't compete with that. I need some tats!

What the f was Lil' Wayne thinking? That's just...I have no words for it. Gonna look great when he's 50. And what do the groupies think when he's hitting it? Is it like fucking a Microsoft Word document?

I gotta get some ink. Maybe a horse galloping across my back with a dude carrying a banner with some statement about life, like "IN SOVIET RUSSIA, BOX OF CHOCOLATES IS LIKE LIFE!".

Oh Massachusetts...You Slay Me

So the other day I was commenting on that er-uh Teddy Kennedy post and pondering how that state re-elected a guy to Senate all those times after he admitted to leaving a woman in his car that he just drove off a bridge to drown. I thought..."Vandelay...those Massholes sure are silly with their complete disregard for character...who will they vote for next?"

No chance...right?

Yeah, for the opponent perhaps! OHHHH...SNAP!!!

Seriously though...I really want this to happen.

Score One For The Death Penalty Crowd

The kind of stuff that will put a hop in your step.

RIP

Nineteen eighty-something: Ted Kennedy gets off his plane at Logan and starts walking through the terminal gate.  It’s the last flight of the night and there are only two other people there: a janitor emptying ashtrays, and me slouched in the corner waiting for my girlfriend who happens to be on the same plane.  I’m tired and cranky and I look like someone that hasn’t slept in a week.  As he walks by I kind of recognize the guy but I don’t so I’m eyeballing him trying to figure out where I’ve seen him before.  I probably appeared a bit irritated.  All of a sudden Kennedy whips his head around towards me and stops dead in tracks looking horrified.  He does this weird ‘get smart’ move like he’s going for his gun (which he clearly doesn’t have) and ‘where’s the closest window I jump through’ Jesse Owens thingy.  This only aggravates me more and I clearly remember turning away in disgust.  At that moment his wife or whatever, a platinum blonde with an enormous fur coat, ecstatic, screeching, charges up and throws herself on him.  They go shuffling off and there ends my relationship with Ted Kennedy. 

Klompus' Travel Guide: Fuck Chicago

 

The skinnyfat: I took (an alleged) 3-week project in Chi-town -- 3 weeks turned into 6+.  This was my first excursion to the Windbag City.  Without question, it's been enjoyable.  But readers of the AofG don't visit this blog to find out about the Good.  Y'all want the Bad and the Ugly.  So without further ado, Ima provide my observant "What sucks about Chicago" review.

About These Wingnuts

I haven't been paying a heck a lot of attention to these town hall meetings discussing health care reform as I was never really opposed to it in the first place but the big stories seem to be all these protesters with their photo-shopped Hitlama posters and their AK-47s strapped to their backs. Look I get it...first amendment, second amendment...blah,blah,blah. I'm not one to deprive anyone of bearing arms or even speaking despite how insane they may be but for fuck's sake can we demonstrate accurately? What the hell does any of this have to do with health care reform?

If Obama decides that the government is going to transition over from democracy to fascist dictatorship and holds some town halls to discuss it...bring a poster of him with a Hitler mustache, by all means. If he decides to take your guns and holds town halls to discuss...bring your guns! Bring Ted Nugent for all I care! We're talking death panels here, people!!! Can we at least try being a little more creative and pull out the Professor Griff costume for a more appropriate event? That's all I'm sayin'.

Here's video of Barney Frank eviscerating one of these whack-jobs (and a Masshole whack-job at that) yesterday. He's just slightly less cool than Obama.

Insane Bolt

Ok, you might not all be track and field aficionados, but...you should probably recognize that Usain Bolt is being ridiculous right now. Like, he's doing things that were, as of a few years ago, only possible on that track and field game that I rented once for Sega Dreamcast. A 9.58? It seemed possible after the Olympics last year, but not for a few years after Bolt gradually lowered the record under 9.60. This is a huge jump in a record that studies had actually shown (seriously) may had been asymptotically close to approaching its peak. Well, Bolt just blew it out of the water, and I don't mean that he gave it a BJ on dry land. He just treated the record like Rihanna. Usain Bolt, ladies and gentlemen...the Chris Brown of the 100 meter dash.

This 1.2% decrease in the world record is astounding, so let me put that 1.2% into perspective for you.

- Imagine that instead of having a population of 8.3 million, NYC had a population of 8.4 million. OMG CRAZYTIME!

- Imagine the media reaction over the JonBenet Ramsey ordeal if instead of being 7 years old, she were only 6.916 years old! INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE!

- Mark McGwire's 70 homerun season bested Roger Maris' 61 homerun season by 9 homeruns. Wow. But imagine if Big Mac had beaten Maris by 9.109 homeruns! HOLY MOTHER OF GREG LOUGANIS!

- I once did 2 chicks in one day. Yeah, I know...straight player status, yo! But imagine if I had f-ed 2.024 girls that day. WOW! You'd all be asking me what my secrets were!

- An astronomical unit is defined as equivalent to the average distance between the Earth and the Sun, or 93 million miles. But imagine if it were 94.116 million miles. WE'D ALL FREEZE TO DEATH LIKE RULON GARDNER!!!!!

Hopefully these anecdotes help to show the novices amongst us the true impact of Bolt's record sprint. Putting his accomplishments in perspective like this will blow your mind!

Facebook

I am considering making the leap. However, I have been counseled by many that it is a bad idea for a multitude of reasons.

What say you Grievers? On Facebook? Not on Facebook? Good idea to join? Bad idea to join? What's the deal?

Think Classy, You'll Be Classy

Unfortunately, this little lesson once preached by Crash Davis hasn't sunk into the assholes known as "Wrigley Field Bleacher Bums".

Let it be known that Dr. Whatley, (in the best third person reference ever), is a huge Cubs fan. I have been following these lovable losers since I was nine years old on WGN basic cable the year basic cable became basic cable. I know a thing or two about this club, it's loser-y history, management that could give a flying fuck about bringing in the best personnel, all that shit. Yet it was always Wrigley Field and the fans that I stuck up for when people came down on me for being a Cubbie-douche. "The World's Largest Beer Garden"..."A Piece of Living History"..."They'll win it this year for sure"...

You know the palaver.

But fucking A. The above move was the least classy move I have seen out of anyone in quite a while.

Let me see if I got this straight uber-douche-Cub-fan:

My and your team (The Cubs) is getting a new asshole torn courtesy of a man with an arm made from used model airplane parts (Pedro Martinez) to the tune of 12-1 in your house (Wrigley) on national TV (ESPN) and you pick that time to be a dick?

Look here fucker. My phone has been rigning off the hook since last night from people all over the goddamn place letting me have it because of your dickholian need to prove to your fellow frat boys and that fat chick in the front row that it is you that has the slightly larger penis by throwing a beer on a player trying to catch a fly ball. It is you that has now sullied the rest of us Cub fans desire to just let history be our own ass beating and brought upon us a wrath that we are all drunkards that wear Abercrombie with mop top hair and chick jeans, you dildo.

Our team is embarassing enough at this point, champ. They are playing with the heart of a scarecrow and a retardedly high payroll with an inept GM and a manager that, until the other day, might as well gone all Frank Robinson and nap every game this year. Now this.

Look. Maybe I'm creating a mountain out of a mole hill here, but I'm just tired of people looking at me like I am Lucifer's cousin out to fuck meth heads in their toothless mouths, all because I'm "related" to this clown distantly by being a Cub Superfan. Phew...

*starts an IV of Morphine*

On a funnier note, I love how Victorino is filing a report in order to prosecute this guy, and all the comments saying Wrigley fans are all classless. This from a guy that plays his games in "Cheesesteak Heart Attack Waiting Fuck Michael Irvin and His Paralyzed Ass and Take Santa with You" Philadelphia.

Hoo boy,,,that's rich.

What's this guys punishment, if any? I say it's a taxi ride to south Philly and dump him out by the airport.

Following a Golf Tournament Via Live-Blog

Easy enough I suppose but then you come across paragraphs like this one...

10:10. Tiger had 18 feet uphill for birdie, left to right. Didn't hit it hard enough. Tap-in par. Harrington shortsided himself but made a nice chip and should make par. He was disturbed, however, when Alvaro Quiros (we think) in the group behind rolled a second shot up onto the green before he putted. Caddie Steve Williams wasn't happy about it and went and stood on the front part of the green and glared back.

I wonder if there's any possible way to communicate that scenario without it coming off as completely ridiculous.

Hard Time Warranted

Beyond completely unacceptable.

I say 20 years minimum.

Besides her, if you're him, who you going after first?

Jury?

DA?

Lawyer?

Other?

How To Avoid Killing Sprees

I'm sad that this had to happen, but it's a good opportunity to bring up a point.

In short, a guy walks into a gym, pulls out a gun, shoots a bunch of women, shoots himself, and, as is discovered later on videos he posted online, he did it because he felt lonely, unloved and had never spent a weekend with a woman.

There are two possible reactions to this story:

AofG Meathead Challenge: SECRET WEAPON

Yeah. Check out MY guns, bitches! Actually, no guns-related photo today.

But still...the guns will be photographed in all of their splendor quite repeatedly after I maximize the results of my workouts, using my new secret weapon:

The Short Bus Team Preview of AofG

Because I am here to amuse you all, and because I have been drinking a ton of Blue Kool-Aid and vodka, Vandelay asked for it, you all will get it...

The official AofG Detroit Lions 2009 preview. And that preview states...

The Detroit Lions can only go up.

What else can I say? We're talking about a team/franchise that:

• Has not made the playoffs since 1999, have not won a playoff game since 1991 and that was their only playoff win since Dwight "I fuck Germans for fun" Eisenhower was POTUS.
• Has an owner, William Clay Ford Sr. that strangely resembles Bernie Lomax in his approach to running a franchise. That being, have people, namely Matt Millen and now Martin Mayhew, tie their shoes to his, put peanut butter in his mouth so that it looks like he's moving his lips, walk around and looky here! "Hands on ownership".
• Drafted THE BEST running back in the history of professional football and still the team was so inept, said running back retired in his prime, 2,000 yards away from blowing past Walter Payton, all because he didn't want to lose anymore. Who does that? A Lions player who knows what the Lions are all about does it.
• Once considered:
  • Erik Kramer
  • Scott Mitchell
  • Andre Ware
  • Rodney Peete
  • Jon Kitna...

                Franchise Quarterbacks. What. The. Fuck.

• Has more "pussy" jokes and innuendo made about them than in a Lady Gaga song.
• Need I mention a little thing called "0 and 16"?
• Has a history of...you know what? This is fucking pointless. Every other team in the National Football League, even the Oak-dump Raiders, have a better history than my Detroit Lions. Yet, I remain as loyal a fan as anyone this side of sanity. Why? Well, two reasons.

One, they have some pretty sweet uniforms. Don't lie, all. Silver, Black and Blue is the shit. It's too bad they've had fairies prancing around in them for a decade.

Two, I want to be on that bandwagon first. No, I want to drive that fucker. I want it to have my ass in that driver seat so that when the Detroit Lions DO win the whole damn thing, I can sit there, gas pedal floored, pick up assholes that jump on the wagon late (I'm looking at you Tiger fans), punch the horn that wails "Another One Bites The Dust", all while wearing my Billy Sims jersey, doing a beer bong, puffing on a crack pipe, while running over hookers on Woodward Avenue. And goddamn it, I'm getting old, so this shit better happen soon, because the older I get the more likely I'll be stopping all the time because my enlarged prostate makes me piss more frequently than a college co-ed passed out on Boone's Farm.

The Detroit Lions WILL win the whole damn thing! Just not this year.

Or next.

2011, baby! Mark it, Smokey.

For now, I trust this Jim Schwartz cat knows what the fuck he's getting into. Go Lie-downs!

4-12.

The Other Team Preview of AOFG

Good morning. In accordance with my contract's requirement that I post quarterly, I'm happy to offer you a follow-up to Vandelay's Pittsburgh Steeler team preview.

Given that I'm not a Steeler fan and that my favorite team doesn't have a 2009 SuperBowl trophy in its headquarters, you can expect this to be somewhat less smarmy, unbearably self-aggrandizing and optimistic. You can also expect this to end with a sentence other than "we look forward to the season," or "happy football everyone." I'm a Raider fan. My expectations of 2010 are slightly worse than Michael Jackson's.

Rather than regaling you with tales of our fantastical magic success, our long haired safeties that deserve blowjobs from all mortal men and our non-motorcycle-helmet-wearing quarterback with a history of questionable life decisions in his dossier who somehow avoided rape charges and media scrutiny this summer, I'll stick to the basics. Here's a list of reasons that 2010 isn't exactly going to work out for the silver and black.

The Official Team Preview of the AofG

I wrote this for the Sportsfrog's NFL team previews feature but seeing as they are the official team of The Grieve and I spent like an hour on it, I'm posting it here too. Plus, it might inspire Whatley to give us a Lions preview which is always fun.

I’m not sure if that poster is supposed to be boasting about the team or the fan base but if it’s the latter, it’s pretty funny that there’s like 15 seats in the middle that are completely vacant. Fucking wine and cheesers, man. For the purposes of this post, “we” shall refer to the Pittsburgh Steelers professional football team and I understand that I’m not on the team…I really do. I always get a big kick out of people that get all uptight about that…”Why, are you the third-string long-snapper or something?” SNAP!!! Homos.

With that in mind, that poster is at the very least extremely accurate. We really are better than you. No, it’s not because we’re tougher or we’re grittier or have reached some ambiguous level of collective talent that exceeds 31 other teams. There’s always been a bit of a misconception about championship teams that many people have a hard time grasping. You don’t win because you’re the best team…you’re the best team because you won. Yes, my friends…there’s absolutely a reason that they play these games and while the 2008 Pittsburgh Steelers were certainly full of talent, focus, and motivation, none of that mattered until Lamarr Woodley got around that edge one last time to strip the football (fuck you Assman...it was a fumble) from God’s Quarterback on a warm Florida night in early February.

Everybody Did Steroids (Except Derek Jeter)

News out today that both David Ortiz and Manny Ramirex tested positive in 2003.

Is anyone surprised?

And, more importantly, does anyone really hold it against them, or especially the lesser lights?

I mean, if you are on the fence, are you satisfied with buses and negligible money for the Kalamazoo Mudhens with a regular 9-5 right around the corner, or are you gonna do some cycles for The Show, Limos and Millions?

To me, it's an absolute no-brainer, and I think anyone who says otherwise is either way too principled or, more likely, a liar.

So, It's Come To This, Eh?

So, I guess we've become such a lazy ass society when it comes to parenting our brats that it comes to this. A program that teaches kids how to play outside?

Excuse me, but...

Are you fucking kidding me?

Upon actually reading the article past the headline, which would be very easy to do and pass judgement on (like I did), wait...yep...that's exactly what this article is about. Folks in Wichita, Kansas, (which hang at a level just above Benoit fan and Georgia, I presume), decided it would be a good idea to get people off their fat asses and connect with nature...and their families.

"We wanted to encourage families to spend time outdoors, get away from all that technology and get back to the creative benefits of outdoor play," said Layla El-Chami, a family and consumer science extension agent and one of the organizers.

Well, it has come to this. With all due respect to Ms. El-Chami, and I am serious when I say that I do applaud her effort to get fellow Kans-tards off the four week old crumpled Ruffles and move out of doors. However, last I checked, and I may not be qualified to say this because my testicles have dropped and I don't think girls have cooties anymore, but, I FUCKING FIGURED OUT HOW TO PLAY OUTDOORS WHEN I WAS A KID. Open the door, roll a ball out, look both ways for traffic and "ta-da"...Genius! I didn't need a class to show me the ropes on what grass looks like or what happens to frogs when you jam a hot fire poker up their puckered assholes...we went out and did it, damn it!

Sweet Jesus, I don't mean to get a riled up, but Kim kardashian's Krusty Sheets, man! I cannot believe that community organizers had to spend a good amount of time to develop a course that teaches kids and parents what fundamentally we as human beings have been doing since, ohh, I don't know, Adam was trying to finger bang Eve in the garden four thousand generations ago!

Pathetic. Again, nothing against the organizers, since they recognized the need to get these slugs moving, but, abso-fucking-lutely pathetic.

What say you, grievers?

P.S. - Names are names, and it is a kid and all, but do you think that girl got the name Taylah because pops is from the Northeast? Just a thought...

AofG Meathead Challenge: Throwing in the Towel. And then Juicing.

Alright, so I've been hitting the gym with regularity since the AofG Meathead Challenge began, however, I have seen very little in the way of results. On Tuesday, I was feeling ok. Not great, but not bad. So I got on the ol' bench, put about 275 on the bar, and was just seeing if I could get it up.

Proper Punishment?

So, a hockey league I play in says you will get thrown out of the league for a "racial/ethnic slur." We are playing the other night -- and similar to something that happened awhile back -- some kid barks at my bro: "Why don't you get off the ice and go play your own fucking sport!" He got a game suspension from the ref. The league office says they are not taking it any further based on the rationale that this was not a "slur."

If you are Commish, what do you do?

The Official QB of The AofG Being Sued

So obviously this is very early and we don’t have a lot of details yet and of course we hope that the truth comes out and any guilty parties are brought to justice and so help me God, if we have to go with Dennis Dixon as the official quarterback of The Grieve, I’m prepared to do that. Here are the details from what I can gather…

- Ben asks cocktail waitress to fix his TV in his room
- Cocktail waitress complies
- Alleged rape occurs
- No criminal complaints or charges against Ben
- Ben wins Super Bowl (not relevant but still awesome)
- One year later, cocktail waitress sues Ben and eight other people. Ben for a bunch of really bad shit and the eight other people are co-workers who are being sued for aiding and abetting?

Look, I’m a guy who dresses his offspring in this man’s jersey so I’m probably not in any position to say that this seems shady with any fair amount of credibility so I’ll just throw it out there to you folks.

Does this seem a little shady?

Reality Meets Theory

So it seems that African America's pre-eminent man of letters has become the latest victim in the American racial saga. Henry Louis Gates was arrested at his home after a neighbor reported a prowler. It seems that Gates had locked himself out and was trying to "break into" the house. Who reported him? A white female neighbor reported seeing two black males "with backpacks" trying to shoulder their way into the front door. The arrest charge? Disorderly conduct. When the officer arrived, Gates was inside the home. He answered the door and the officer asked for his identification. Initial reports suggested that Gates refused to show his identification. The officer's report says that Gates eventually showed his Harvard ID after initially refusing. Gates then told him "You don't know who you're messing with." He accused him of being a "racist police officer" and repeatedly asked for the officer's name. The officer states that as he exited the property, Gates continued to yell. According to the police report, Gates got into a shouting match with the officer. That was when he warned the professor that he was becoming disorderly. The arrest ensued.

Gates was arrested and detained for several hours before being released. He has hired his colleague Charles Ogletree as his lawyer. But Ogletree has refused comment so far.

Now, Gates' reaction is a little funny with his whole celebrity "You don't know who you're messing with" response. It would have been hysterical if this were all a prank on Ashton Kutcher's Punk'd. But this wasn't a prank. And his heightened, emotional response reveals the anxiety that so many black men who live in predominantly white neighborhoods still feel--that someone is watching them, that if they aren't dressed a certain way or their pants aren't tight enough or if they catch the shadow just right, someone will mistake them for the wrong negro. The bad kind. Not the good, Yale-educated, distinguished university professor kind.

Police Report.

Soooooo...Ironic!

So apparently those Rocket Scientists at NASA erased the Apollo 11 mission footage and now what many people consider the proudest moment in our nation's history will be wiped from the masses if not for...wait for it...wait for it...HOLLYWOOD!!!

You see it's ironic because the ultimate sarcastic joke to refer to retarded people is to call them "Rocket Scientists." Now you have a type of reverse sarcasm because the people who did it really are Rocket Scientists!!! Get it?

Now of course one could reasonably argue that the people in charge of reserving video tape at NASA are not in fact Rocket Scientists, but let's face it...you work for NASA. I don't care if I'm a fucking custodian for NASA, I'm listing my occupation as "Rocket Scientist". As if any other company employed Rocket Scientists, right? Also, if you're keeping score at home "Hollywood" is generally considered to employ the biggest anti-Rocket Scientists in the world. Do you get it now?

Speaking of irony, since the McNair tragedy which I found out about on the 4th of July while standing over this little slice of heaven...I've come to realize that pretty much 80% of the people that I know are incapable of comprehending irony. I'll say this once to my AofG faithful...if a man films a PSA to inform people that suicide is a bad thing and to seek help because you and everyone around you will be affected and then has some roadbeef mistress that ends up going all Benoit on him...THAT IS NOT IRONIC!!!

Quick question after the jump...

'Scuse Me While I Whip this Out

Continuing with the rich tradition here at the Airing of Race Cards, watch as National Black Chamber of Commerce President Harry Alford takes hag Senator Barbara Boxer of California to the woodshed.  Wait for the 4:53 mark, when Alford really lays it out for her.

Bat-Guano Nuts

About a week or so ago, when the world was being over-served on all things Michael Jackson and all that crap, some woman nobody had ever heard of went all Islamic-Jihad (allegedly) on an ex-NFL Quarterback in the skull and chest...two times in each.

Now there is this. Arturo Gatti, a boxer I've never heard of because, quite frankly, the sport of boxing has been meaningless to me since Mike Tyson had Evander's Real Deal Meal back, oh I don't know, who the fuck cares. Anyway, Gatti was allegedly strangled by his hot wife while he was passed out in a drunken stupor. Lord knows why she did it (allegedly), but I fear there is something larger at stake with all of this.

We can throw all the morality shit away at this point, because it is not pertinent to this discussion. Is a married former professional athlete (or anyone for that matter) wrong for having an affair outside of his marriage? Absolutely. Is physical abuse a correct way of dealing with problems within a marriage? Nope. But then again so is killing another human being for whatever reason.

No, the real issue here is that these not so isolated incidents prove one thing that all males over the age of 25 should realize by now to keep them out of situations like this. Early 20-something, very attractive women are fucking bat shit insane. After years of having men ogle them sporting half-chubs and having everything handed to them because the good Lord brought some great genetic code to the party, being told something they don't want to hear clearly sends "el chemical imbalancia" into overdrive. Don't believe me? Go to your local wanna-hump-hump dance club on a weekend and watch the alcohol be consumed by some of these raving psychopaths. In this case, no doubt about it, here are exhibits 1,098,455 and 1,098,456.

Memo to all professional athletes that like to tap the cervix with these lunatics...move on. Break it off. Find a nice 30 or 40 something woman who has already gone through the nutjob stage and pile drive THAT ass. Sure, you may have to trade off pure unadulterated hotness for saggy tits, roast beef meat curtains and a jelly belly. But for the price of not being strangled with a purse strap while sleeping, well, I'll go out on a limb and say, "it's worth it." There you go. That'll be $1,000.

Oh, and on a slightly more serious note, I love how both completely unhinged ladies have had people use the old standby of "She is very religious, so there is no way she could have done it" defense. Because we all know religion has played absolutely zero role in the deaths of anyone this side of Adam and Eve.

PS-One blogger knows the entire McNair story, too. Apparently, the rest of the blog world is a bunch of speculative assholes, but he might be onto something...

PSS - This was written tongue in cheek, people. If any bat shit insane 20 year old ladies would like, I am single and don't give a fuck. It's been waaaay too long and beggars can't be choosers.

Not Enough O's in Smooooooth...

So I suck at writing captions and everything that I want to write keeps coming off as either chauvinistic or racist but fortunately, this picture pretty much stands up alone just fine.

Of course, we all know why that other guy is so amused.

The More Things Change...

 

Another heartwarming tale out of the City of Brotherly-Looking Women (and that's "Brotherly," not "Bruthaly").  The long and short of it:  A private swim club in Montgomery County, PA was paid $1900 by a North Philly daycamp so 65 kids (grades ranging from K-7th) could use their outdoor pool facilities.  Only "problem" was, the kids were black and hispanic.  So they were promptly asked to leave and refunded their money.  When asked for comment, the swim club's president coughed up this verbal turd:

There was concern that a lot of kids would change the complexion . . . and the atmosphere of the club."

Aside from "complexion," the other ridiculous part of this quote is "kids."  While the club's website seems to be down or no longer in existence, the archived version seemed to stress "family" quite a bit.  Color me Georgian for asking this, but doesn't "family" usually denote the inclusion of kids?  Nonetheless, there's also this to consider:  The camp was signed up for just a couple hours on Mondays only for two months.  They can't handle kids for two hours a week?  Of course they can.  They just don't have the cojones to admit they can't handle non-white kids for two hours a week. I understand they are a private club so they can choose their members however they wish.  Still, The Valley Swim Club and all its members that have decided to remain:  Eat A Dick.  I hope all you motherfuckers drown in your precious Aryan cock-swallowing pool.

And on a related political note:  Montgomery County is decidely left-leaning.  They voted Gore/Kerry/Obama.  Just sayin'...

Yes! I Like Dead Offenders Too!

Good old Uncle Tedley.  On the one hand, he's batshit crazy.  On the other, I pretty much agree with everything he said.  So I guess I have that to deal with.  And on a side note, I can't tell if that reporter is squirming because he is extremely frightened or if he is extremely aroused.  Perhaps both.

EVIDENCE!!!

Yeah, Air McNair was shot to death by perhaps a jilted 20-year old lover or maybe a friend of the 20-year old chick or maybe even a fucking ninja for all we know right now. And it was crazy. True warriors who just win don't get shot every major holiday, you know. This is not what the founding fathers had in mind when they originally decided to get all independent in this shizz.

Domination!

A few months ago, I was inspired so much by Aaron's Six Pack in Six Months campaign that I decided to put down the whole pizza and 12 pack of Pabst and join a gym. That means nothing really, other than I am proud of the fact that I no longer get winded bending over to tie my shoes and I can run a few miles without the need for a defibrillator and a non-rebreather mask afterward.

It being the July 4th holiday, and me not having any fucking friends or a life, I found myself at said gym doing my thing with the other Guido's with their full gallons of water and cases of Rip Fuel. It was here I was watching ESPN's coverage of what I might call sheer domination of any kind in any competitive event. But comparisons to Tiger Woods and calling him an American Hero? That's a big stretch (pants). The "this is the reason why the rest of the world hates us" take might not be that far off, however.

Mr. Chestnut. Nice job on that three-peat. Way to represent the good ol' US of A and show that Jap fucker what a real man can do! Here's some Gas-X. I imagine your ass will be smelling like South Philly soon.

Hey Alaska! Your Next!

It seems Republican Governors, as of late, have got a thing for disappearing acts.  If it's not for some Argentine bimbo it's for an rv tour of the lower 48.

I might be mistaken, but isn't it fucking bizarre for a Governor to just up and quit the job for no reason other than to "travel around the country."  Sort of like McCain taking off from his Presidential campaign to go save the economy.  Palin says, "she can be more effective for Alaskans if she's not Governor."  I keep saying to myself if I repeat it enough times it will begin to make sense, but alas it is not the case.  I am in awe of her idiocy. 

You do have to take into account that all these corruption scandals she's facing like troopergate aren't going away and she's still catching heat for taking off in the middle of an epic flood crisis to go to some lame-ass fundraiser she wasn't even invited to.  But still you can't make this shit up.

"Known as Sarah Barracuda when she played basketball in high school, Ms. Palin used point guard analogy in explaining her decision, saying she knows “exactly when to pass the ball so the team can win.” NYT   "Pass the ball"?? Is she really that retarded.  I have never heard of a Governor handing their office over to someone else because they thought they could do a better job.  Is Palin really capable of such altruism?  Must be.

It looks as if the Republicans are starting their 012 campaign with Mitt Romney touring the country for the last 3 months enlisting support from oil  and coal guys.  I guess Palin figured she'd better get hoppin' and do the same if she's going to be the first female president.  But who supports her?

"Ms. [Mary] Matalin joked that despite her own initial inside-the-Beltway reaction of surprise, shoppers at her local WalMart in the Shenandoah would be whooping “hoo-rahs” because of Ms. Palin’s continued popularity among conservative voters."

Walmart shoppers of course.  Because they know a deal when they see one and Palin is cheapest thrill that side of the Mason-Dixon.  The scary part is that no one knows just how many of these Walmart shoppers actually exist- and that's her secret weapon.

 

AofG Relationship Advice

With the ever growing number of atheists in the world, it’s fair to presume that the dilemma over what to do when an atheist and a Christian (or any other faiths) cross paths will also become more prevalent in society. You see, when atheists aren’t “serving the devil” they tend to go about living otherwise normal lives. Sometimes they’ll even partake in a common ritual known as “mating.” Quite often, two people may find themselves extremely attracted to each other, get to talking, perhaps even dabble in some more intimate relations and then BAM…the truth comes out. You’re dating an atheist. What to do…what to do?

Well I think there’s a school of thought that says if two people really want to be together, any contradictory beliefs in regards to religion and politics can be overcome simply by detaching them as far away from the relationship as possible. If that’s not feasible, this type of conflict can actually be productive in helping each other grow as individuals. Perhaps the atheist can look at their mate and admire the fact that this person can put so much faith in something that they can’t possibly know anything about and learn to be less cynical and more open to acknowledging the possible existence of a divine being. Then maybe the Christian can look at the atheist and admire the fact that this person has chosen to lead a good, moral life not because of the reward of eternal salvation or the fear of eternal damnation but because gosh darn it…it’s the right way to be.

Admittedly, I’m no expert on spirituality or relationship advice; I’m just casually throwing all that stuff out there. For the only true answer, I think we know where we need to turn. Take it away, Pat…

Okay, so there's that too.

Question #1: Which Dave Matthews song is best for putting out a fire?

Let's get back into the ring here at AofG and talk about something new -- like race, for example.  As many know, the Ricci v. DeStefano case was reversed by the SCOTUS yesterday.  Who do you think is right (or most right or least wrong)?  Personally, I don't see how a firefighters' exam could be racially biased, unless it was chock full of Dave Matthews trivia or something.  And contrary to what folks at the NAACP have claimed, it was not solely a written exam. There was also an oral portion (weighted at 40%) that involved a group of 30 assessors, the majority of whom weren't white.  And the ongoing infantilization of the black community by the NAACP is an entirely different tangent that I won't continue now (but will gladly address in the comments if someone else wants to).

Bottom line, many occupations utilize written examinations when evaluating individuals.  Sometimes you have to.  It's the only way to incorporate some kind of objective way to draw a distinction between candidates who appear to be equally qualified in terms of peer review, oral examination, and overall experience.  Throwing out the tests after the results come in  -- does everyone a disservice (particularly minority groups). You either re-test or you adjust future tests.  Instead, New Haven (and subsequently the District and Second Circuit Appellate courts) made a fuckin' mess of it all for political reasons. 

Of course, that's just one asshole's opinion.  What's yours?

Oh...What The Hell

I'm gonna go ahead and start a new feature called "Things I would write on Facebook if I wasn't remotely concerned about alienating half the people I know." My Facebook home page quite often reads like the Benoit thread which in theory should make it a completely fulfilling experience but unlike that thread, I actually know these people and even consider many of them friends. According to FB, they're all my friends so this little relationship tends to make me cease pulling the trigger on what many people that lack an appropriate sense of humor would consider assholish comments. I don't really need people taking anything I type with anything more than a grain of salt so thankfully I have this blog and even more thankfully I'm not exactly "read my blog guy" so 99% of the people I know have no idea it exists. So for a goof, I'm just going to respond to them here in almost complete anonymity. If we're lucky maybe a Klompus or Assman will follow suit because let's face it, when it comes to being assholes, I'm swimming in their wake.

First of all, to like half of my friends...Not only do I go outside on a regular basis but I also own a house with about 16 windows. While I appreciate the updates, I understand that it's been raining a lot in the northeast lately but there really are few things more mundane in this world than people complaining about the weather. It may be the most tired exercise one can partake in. Please just stop.

Disclaimer: I started writing this almost a week ago in a hotel in Hershey, PA and had it saved as a draft and then got sidetracked by MJ dying and I came back to it this morning with a different point of view. While I think it would make for great blog material, something about it seems shady. I don't want to be that guy. If I want to make fun of people I know, I'll just keep doing it right in front of them. If they can't take, maybe we shouldn't be friends in the first place. For the hell of it, I'll throw in a quick vacation story after the jump though.