The Airing of Grievances

I Don't Dig on Schadenfreude...

...but that was kind of awesome. Who would have ever thought that "The Patriots can't beat the Giants in the Super Bowl" would become a theme in the sports world. So check it out...that happened AND I had both Pats-7/Giants-5 and Pats-7/Giants-1 for squares winning me a couple hundred bucks. I also won tennis matches on both Friday and Saturday night. That's what you call a weekend, folks.

Oh...you wanted honest analysis? Fine. Let's check in with the wife of the losing team's quarterback...

“You [have] to catch the ball when you’re supposed to catch the ball,” she said in a video posted by TheInsider.com, via TBL. “My husband cannot f–king throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time. I can’t believe they dropped the ball so many times.”

I can't believe it, either.

Anyway, as you know Klompus, I'm no stranger to watching my team lose a Super Bowl but you know what I found to be incredibly therapeutic last year? You guessed it.

Sagan.

 

No charge for that.

Also, The Movie Groundhog Day Didn't Really Happen

I can't even work up any snark over this. ABC News actually felt it was necessary to clarify to the public that the process by which the fine folks in Puxsutawney, PA determine the length of winter isn't necessarily scientificly legitimate. It's actually possible that when a groundhog sees it's shadow, upcoming temperatures may still have a chance to climb above average. Oh shit...there I go with the snark.

But as usual, there will always be those who deny the claims of honest research...

But don't tell that to the members of the Groundhog club's Inner Circle in Punxsutawney, Pa. "I would argue with the comments he doesn't have a great track record," Jon Johnston, Phil's "Chief Healthman" told ABCNews.com. "They're missing the point then. It's always winter somewhere."

Oh. Well it's always spring somewhere too. I'm confused...why are we doing this again?

So Nobody Wants a Million Dollars?

I ask this because my wife is going to see some medium tonight which she often does. I love her to death but the woman just revels in her gullibility. Anyway...I'm guessing this doesn't need to be reiterated with the audience here at the Grieve but just so we're clear: psychics, mediums, faith-healers, mind-readers...it's all complete bullshit. They are not only charlatans but in most cases morally corrupt charlatans that lie to people who are at weak points in their lives. I mean seriously...if someone could really talk to the dead, couldn't they get some information more valuable than "He loves you and misses you" or "He's sorry he never got to say good bye." Like, what is that? That could apply to not anyone but just about everyone! How about asking them what's on the other side? Is there a God? What does he expect from us? Nope. We know how it's done...we know how cold-reading works...we could train an idiot to do it. Now, I'm guessing that this whole community would consider me an asshole for stating this and perhaps rightfully so but if you really wanted to shut people up, why not prove it under reasonal experimental conditions?

Stupid Knowledge

 

Here you have a man running for POTUS telling a bunch of people to stop sending their children to college because they are institutions of indoctrination. By indoctrination of course he means teaching them things like science, philosophy,and critical thinking. You know...all that evil shit that catapulted us out of the dark ages. Plus, it's not as if we aren't full of institutions masquerading as colleges but are really just there to brainwash kids with their draconian rules. Nobody is stopping anyone from attending those places.

This man is obviously threatened by knowledge and information. This man obviously has no interest in progressing society and he seems perfectly content to want to drag it back to the dark ages. Yet this man is getting votes in these early primaries at a rather alarming rate. That's very scary to me and it should be to anyone.

Now I know that Asspologist will come along and be all like "No, no...you don't get it, Vandelay. He doesn't REALLY think that. He's just pandering to the lowest common denominator." Perhaps...although I'm not so sure with this loon. Even if that's true though, it's quite clear that him and all of his opponents want nothing more than to keep the ignorant as ignorant as possible. That's not leadership. It's very, very dangerous.

If it is in fact true that education is at odds with faith...and I think Santorum is right about that...the real fool is the one that thinks the problem with that is the education.

Gonna Want That One Back

Here's some footage from an interview with the mayor of New Haven, Connecticut...home of a bunch of Ivy League douchebags and apparently racist cops. When four cops were recently arrested for racial profiling against the Latino community, the mayor had a scandal on his hands and so in full damage control mode he went. Upon being asked what he was going to do to help out the Latino community going forward...well I won't even ruin it for you. It's just too good.

I Have A Confession To Make

I love awkward amateur produced videos that promote abstinence to young people. I love them more than Bristol Palin loves redneck douchebags. I don't even completely disagree with the message. Young people really are way too quick to jump in each other's pants and the entertainment industry simply can't exist without it. The Disney channel today is like MTV when I was a kid. MTV today is like the porn when I was a kid. I mean...I have daughters so I'm all about promoting an environment where we start thinking about the ramifications of this. Of course, I think it's important more for socio-economic reasons than "Jesus is gonna kick your heathen ass." Nonetheless, when a teddy bear becomes the voice of reason; well, everybody wins...

 

Is it me or is it just a bit presumptuous to think that just because a girl invites you to come in to her house it automatically means she wants to bang you?

Would You Mind Sharing My Dick? You Have MS So Why Waste It? In Defense of G-Newt

the awesomeness of ppl who run for president never fails to leave me lmfao. 

and now that wikapedia  is back up i can educate you retards on newts.  "A newt is an aquatic amphibian of the family Salamandridae, although not all aquatic salamanders are considered newts". 

a newt is also a gingrich- a newt gingrich.  or, one who likes to preach family values- like dick sharing.  dick sharing becomes necessary when a spouse develops a chronic disease that in some way inhibits sexual contact or the desire to engage in sexual contact.  it takes true politician to be a professional dick-sharer. 

Look At Me, Kruger.

Yes. Look at me when I'm talking to you. Have some respect.

Yeah, you can make fun of Newman's pictures, or tell him that he just doesn't get it, you can even tell him to go fuck himself with Challenger shrapnel. He's a man. He's 40. He can handle it.

But do you get it? Do you really? And do you think I'm at all happy about this? Do you think me and my whale buddies sit around high-finning each other because we are soon to be the talk of the net? Then Kruger...and I mean this with all due respect...you don't know shit about whales.

Seriously, Kruger. You don't know a whale from your fucking tampons. Which, by the way, can give you TSS even if you only stick them in your ass. How do I know this? I READ IT ON WIKIPEDIA! And once that's gone, all you'll know is all I know. Because whales will be the last things left on the internet to ask. Just us. Ask a whale! We'll give you the right answer. Or we might. Fuck if I care what I tell your dumb ass.

We whales are generally private creatures, Kruger. We do not want this attention, this spoktlight. In fact, we detest it. And you worry about the effect of applying the laws of SOPA and PIPA to things like 9 year old girls singing a karaoke version of "Put It In My Mouth" on Youtube, and rightfully so. But you don't give a fuck about us. About the whales. About the effect on us, on our communities, on our children...or calves or cows or whatever. I don't know what we call them. Because fucking Wikipedia is down. But rest Goddamned assured that we love them and we do not want to see it come to this just as much as or maybe even moreso than you humans. And I swear on Paula Deen's diabetes that we'll do all that we can to stop this from coming to fruition.

But in the end, Kruger, we are just whales. Just stupid, pointless whales swimming pointlessly in some pointless water living our whole entire pointless existence, right Kruger? But you humans...you can do something about this. And I don't mean you can comment on some blog posts or raise awareness or shave your pubes or whatever it is that white people love to do these days. Get out the pen and the motherfucking paper and write to your Congressman. Write to your Senator. Write to the fucking President. You don't even have to talk about PIPA every time. Write to your local Representative just to say hi. See how the wife and kids are holding up. But please, do something.

And when you do, Kruger, when you do...we just ask that you put in a polite word for us whales. We trust that's not too much to ask.

The Confusing Nature of Whale Sex

Look, it's not really up to me to say whether or not whale sex starts off with gang rape...it just appears that way. I mean, this broad clearly wants nothing to do with these assholes and they're all like, "Fuck it...let's just rub our 8 foot long schlongs all over her until she gives it up." Oddly enough...that works! Take it away Attenborough...

 

SOPA doesn't apply to the BBC, right?

A Whale Walks Into a Bar...

...wait, no it doesn't. BECAUSE IT'S A FUCKING WHALE. It can't whale it's way into a damn bar. People would FREAK the hell out, number one. That's not good for the bar's bottom line. Second, the whale would crush just about everything in the bar. Insurance probably doesn't cover that. Thirdly, you'd have to spray water on it the entire time. That creates like 5 problems. Fourth, it probably doesn't drink BECAUSE IT'S A DAMN WHALE. Fifth, like a hundred other things.

This is nonsensical. It's not even funny to think about a whale going into a bar. Yet, that's what PIPA and SOPA would turn the internet into. These would seriously be the only jokes that it would allow to remain on the web. You want that, comrade? Then GET UP and ROCK THE VOTE or the protest or whatever. Seriously. Bombard your local congressman with pictures of whales and jokes about whales and whaleporn and just about all of that not-good stuff. Do it for America. Hell, be selfish. Do it for yourself.

Whales walking into bars. Is this seriously what America is coming to? DROP THE SOPA!

WHALES

 

You pumped? You love that shit, huh? Well you fucking better because this is all that you're going to get on a SOPA-ed internet. Hey, another whale! Great.

Hopefully you all wake up before it's too late. I don't have enough grievances to air at whales. Don't get me wrong, fuck whales. But after like 35 minutes I'd be ready to move on.

AofG SOPA and PIPA Protest

 

This is a potentially pivotal moment for the internet as we know it. So hell yeahs AofG is getting in on the SOPA and PIPA protests. Or at least I am.

Besides being named by tonedeaf Italian immigrants, SOPA and PIPA are going to SUCK! I think. I honestly don't know much about them but on things where just about everybody is against something, I tend to believe they may have a point. Yeah, I know that is not a failproof method, but fuck off I have things to do.

From what I take it, these acts could allow government to shut down websites if there's any copyrighted material on them and imprison people and encourages whistleblowing and stuff like that and if it passes, the internet as you know it will cease to exist. It will pretty much only contain pictures of whales. So, today, I am running nothing but pictures of whales.

So This Seems A Bit Extreme, No?

I have to admit...I had no idea what the hell SOPA and PIPA (Stop On-line Privacy Act & Pro-IP Act) were until this morning when I noticed a bunch of websites are shutting themselves down in protest. So I suppose that the intentions here are good ones as we are well aware that creators of all types of media frequently have their content viewed for free when it was not their intention. I may have even benefitted from this practice before. Hell...there are probably 50 youtube videos on this site alone that this applies to.

Of course the other side of this argument is that these people wouldn't be paying for this shit anyway and in many cases just the exposure will get you some good word of mouth and open up opportunities to make money where they previously wouldn't exist. Anyway, this has been an ongoing fight since the days of Napster and it certainly doesn't appear as if though online piracy is going anywhere. It's okay though, because apparently the government is going to fix it.

I'll do a far shittier job of explaining this than this video that I stole from Vimeo but on the surface; this a little scary...

 

I Hope You're Sitting Down

In this week's edition of News That Is Surprising to Exactly Nobody, Paula Deen came out of the pantry and revealed her secret life as a diabetic. 

I'm strongly tempted to do a Chiles-trademarked "that is all" here, but it's possible that you may be one of the 12 assholes I meet every month who tell me they don't watch TV and that, when they do, it's only the Walking Dead.

Paula Deen is a TV chef / famous southerner / gravy advocate. Everything she cooks comes with a light coating of Ronald McDonald's semen on it. You can't even attempt to make one of her recipes at home without wearing a pair of pants with an elastic band. Of course she's going to get diabetes. Of course.

I wish her well. Up next, "Tim Tebow is secretly gay" and "Mitt Romney is caught on video using the N-word a lot."

Dude, That Afghan Really Tied the Room Together

I'm sure we've heard about the dastardly Marines pissing on the Talibani corpses over in Afghanistan by now, right?  It's an outrage, says Ham Karzai.

"A presidential statement described the act as "completely inhumane" and called on the U.S. military to punish the Marines." 

Yes!  Fry those bastards!  This type of aggression won't stand, man.  Wait.  Did you say humanity?  Humanity as in "humane?" Ok, got it.  Now we're on the same pa-....um, you know we were trying to kill these Taliban, right?  "Kill," as in "make really, really dead with 50-caliber bullets and shit?" And "Taliban," as in "group that's been sawing off heads on camera ANNNNNND trying like hell to assassinate you for the last x amount of years?"  Yeah, you lost me again.  So maybe the Afghan Ministry of Defense can help put it in perspective...

The Afghan Ministry of Defense also condemned the actions in the video, which it described as "shocking."

Whoa, really?  Is the AMOD run by Quakers?  I'm gonna go WAY out on a limb and assume they've seen seen a lot of egregious shit in their lifetimes.  And I can't imagine the Mendoza line for "shocking" is set above pissing-on-dead-enemies.  Especially when you consider what passes for "Sports & Leisure" in their country.  So let's just ask the US Marines then:

Marine Corps headquarters at the Pentagon said: "The actions portrayed are not consistent with our core values and are not indicative of the character of the Marines in our Corps..."

Lemme ask you this, Marine Corps:  have you ever met a Marine?  You ever drink with a Marine?  See, there's kinda this stigma.  I'm not saying all.  But most. It comes from some level of truth.  Kinda how black people can't be silent in movie theaters, white people can't sit out the Electric Slide, and Asians can't pronounce "ice cream."  Marines can't refrain from debauchery.  They just can't.  It's not in their DNA. It's one of the things you either love or hate about them.  And they wouldn't be as effective without it.  But, we'll just keep doing the dance.  I won't even bother with quoting CAIR, because we already know what they're gonna say.

Look, I get it.  This is bad PR for the world's already adoring view of the US.  Our soldiers should know better (or at least know better than to record it).  But do we really need to stop the presses so every Stephanopoly can interview political and military groups while they feign indignation over something that is relatively so miniscule.  Come on, media.  I mean, isn't Tim Tebow playing this week?  Isn't the Casey Anthony overdose watch in full effect?  Don't we have a boring presidential election to beat like a dead horse  goat Talibani?

Health Benefits to Female Circumcision?

We've been hearing for decades from various monotheisms that taking a knife to a baby's penis and chopping off it's foreskin is all done in the name of cleanliness or something. Nothing to do with divine commandments at all...that's ludicrous. Did you know though that there are still some cults that deem it necessary to chop off little girls' clitori? (I'm not looking up the plural of clitoris...it's gotta be clitori)

Well, surely that can't be due to any sort of divine doctrine claiming to represent a particular version of a particular deity. There must be something in this for the kids, right? Well thankfully we now have our answers. Let's go to reknowned Islamic physician, Dr. Haamid al-Ghawaabi...

The secretions of the labia minora accumulate in uncircumcised women and turn rancid, so they develop an unpleasant odour which may lead to infections of the vagina or urethra. I have seen many cases of sickness caused by the lack of circumcision.

Circumcision reduces excessive sensitivity of the clitoris which may cause it to increase in size to 3 centimeters when aroused, which is very annoying to the husband, especially at the time of intercourse.

Another benefit of circumcision is that it prevents stimulation of the clitoris which makes it grow large in such a manner that it causes pain.

Circumcision prevents spasms of the clitoris which are a kind of inflammation.

Circumcision reduces excessive sexual desire.

Well there you have it ladies. If you haven't had it done yet, I'd head out right this second. For a little immediate gut-wrenching pain, you'll never again have to deal with that rancid smell of your vaginas, you'll alleviate those pesky sexual desires, and you'll stop making your partners uncomfortable with all your arousal and 3 centimeter long clitori. It's a no-brainer, really. Go. Chop, chop!

This Is Fucking Happening?!

Are you a romantic guy? Are you the sort of fellow that knows his way to a lady's heart?

I've got news for you, man. You can't call yourself a true auteur of romantic scenarios if you're not taking your date to the zoo on Valentine's Day to watch animals fuck.

Seriously. This is happening in Pittsburgh. The city that learned to look the other way when its quarterback has sex with unwilling young women is going to spend a day watching elephants go ass-to-trunk instead. And they're paying $75 a ticket! This is a good idea?!

Dude with bushy moustache: "Hey sweetie. I put aside $150 for tickets for Valentine's Day."
Lady with weird 80's haircut: "Aw, that's so sweet. So we're going to a show?"
Dude with bushy moustache: "Absolutely. Only the best for my little cupcake."
Lady with weird 80's haircut: "Wait... is this like the time you took me to see Polamalu get his locker red up after the season? That wasn't very romantic."
Dude with bushy moustache: "Not quite that good. We're going to see watch orangutans performing oral on each other."

THIS IS FUCKING HAPPENING?!?!?

Are We Still Allowed To Pick On Georgia, Here?

Look...I get it. Math is boring. I mean, it can be very exciting if you happen to be Stephen Hawking trying to figure out the exact size of the universe but the only drawback to that of course is that you'd be Stephen Hawking.

Unfortunately, if you're a third grader, solving 56/7 probably isn't going to advance civilization all that much and really won't be met with much fanfare at all. So of course we need to get creative with these kids to make math fun. For example...

Johnnie collects pet rocks. He collected 56 rocks over 7 days. How many rocks did he collect per day?

Suzie likes apples. If she eats 2 apples a day for 7 days, how many apples has she eaten.

See? It's very engaging. Now, let's take a look at how they might engage students in the official state of the AofG...

"Each tree had 56 oranges. If eight slaves pick them equally, then how much would each slave pick?"

"If Frederick got two beatings per day, how many beatings did he get in one week?"

Well...perhaps Frederick wouldn't get so many beatings if he would pick more than seven fucking oranges a day. Emmiright?

Okay...let's hear from a concerned parent...

"This outrages me because it just lets me know that there's still racists," said Stephanie Jones, whose child is a student at the school.

There you have it. Someone could have lived in Georgia their entire life without ever having to know that there are still racists. The end of innocence is upon us.

"Oh Come On...It Was a Great Game!"

 

Oh, sh-sh-sh-shut the fuck up. I don't care how great of a game it was. I am a Steelers fan. I want the Steelers to win. When they lose, I don't enjoy watching it. When they lose in a playoff game, I really don't enjoy watching it. When they lose like they did yesterday in a playoff game, it puts the lives of nearby kittens and small children at risk. So don't tell me it was a great game.

I don't care if the QB that went to the college you liked played very well for a team in a city that you've never been to. I don't care how entertaining it was. For me, the most entertaining Steeler games are the ones where they beat Cleveland 48-3. I like the Saints-Packers games and the Lions-Bears games of the world to entertain me. They can be thrilling as fuck. Matt Forte can heroically lead his team to victory, scoring the go-ahead touchdown with 58 seconds left, and I'll watch intently. Because I don't give the slightest darn who wins.

But the Steelers...that is the team that I am a fan of. So I want them to win games ugly. I don't want them to lose games pretty. So don't tell me how great that game was. BECAUSE IT SUCKED. Tim Tebow's team winning a wild card game in overtime does not show how great God's love is. Unless you believe that God hates Troy Polamalu and Ike Taylor. Why aren't you also saying this to other people who have watched their "team" lose?

- Hey, Germany...come on guys. It was a great war. You guys fought hard. Seriously, it looked like you had it there until the end. But I wouldn't go into Russia. May want to replace the coach if he's going to make decisions like that.

- NASCAR fans...come on guys. I know Earnhardt was killed there at the end but he was in 3rd place coming into the turn. That's a damn good performance. It really was a great race. Plus, his son was able to pick up second. You really can't ask for more. Except for maybe Earnhardt not dying.

- Taxpayers...come on! I know you are paying for banking bailouts and also for your own fuckawful mortgages but last fiscal season was AWESOME! Everybody was getting houses. BAM! House. POOF! Condos. Man, was that an exciting construction season. Sorry you lost your house, though.

- Hatians! Come on gu...nah, I'm joking.

But come the fuck on, friends. Don't tell me it was an exciting game. Or an awesome game. Or a Godly game. Or that it proved the critics wrong. Because I don't care. I DO. NOT. CARE. And everytime you mention something about the game, I'm going to Photoshop ejaculate onto a Denver Bronco.

Facebook Idiocy

As rampant as it is, there are few things that grind my gears as much as this shit...

Here's how I interpret this...

I'm better than you. I'm simply a better person than you. I'm not better than you because of my actions or because I inspire anyone or anything or have ever even tried to advance my society in any positive way, shape, or form whatsoever. I'm better than you because I'm aware that children get cancer and I have the balls to post it on my Facebook wall. Look what I've done for all these poor children suffering! Look at the way I've touched their lives! Look at how much I've advanced scientific research in order to find a cure for this insidious disease! I took like 4 seconds out of my day to hit the share button on Facebook and your you're just too fucking cool for that, aren't you?

Seriously...what else could possibly be going through these peoples minds? Here's another particularly loathesome one...

Someone should make a Barbie with no hair so that every little girl fighting cancer feels beautiful!

Yeah, I did my part, assholes! Now would someone please get to work on this! I'll let Stuff White People Like take it from here. It's funny cause its true...

The Ron Paul Fascination

Screw it...I'm on a roll. I don't care who's not listening.

Let's be honest, the crop of contenders for the GOP nomination is laughable. Entertaining as all hell but laughable. The idea that everyone has seemed to come up with is to try to be the more like Reagan than everyone else while also claiming to fiscally responsible despite of the massive debt that we obtained under Reagan. Then there's Ron Paul.

A lot of my friends seem to think it's hip or something to support Ron Paul. Supposedly, he's honest. Trust me though...he's not honest. In fact I can't really muster up any reason to believe that he's any different from Romnewtrickbachorum. He's a libertarian's wet dream but I'm not so sure that he's even a libertarian. Okay there are a couple things perhaps such as he wants to end the war on drugs and he wants to eliminate income taxes.

Outside of that, as far as I can tell he's probably the ost racist of all of them and that's saying something. He wants free markets but he also wants to keep the brown people out. We're talking about a guy that refers to MLK day as "Hate Whitey Day." He wants English to be the official language of the U.S. He doesnt think government should involve itself with gay marriage but he's on record as being opposed to it (like Obama).

Libertarians are usually atheists and this guy is about as big a fundamentalist Christian as you'll find outside of the fellow down in Texas who prayed for rain last April and got fire. He doesn't believe in evolution (more like evilution, emmiright?) or human-assisted global warming (fuck science). For the record, Huntsman is the only person in this crop that accepts the theory of evolution. To put this in perspective, if you look at the age of the planet and what most of these assholes believe the age of the planet is...it would be like saying that the distance between New York and SanFrancisco is 1 yard. That's how wrong they actually are yet perfectly willing to support the idea. Along with this he's not at all a friend of church/state separation which I thought was important to libertarians as well.

Let's see...he's a physician which is interesting. My problem with politics is that everyone always seems to be either a lawyer or a businessman but there aren't really any great thinkers. Where are the scientists and the engineers and the teachers? So here's Paul...a doctor. Must be a smart guy. But wait...he thinks life begins at conception! He also appears not to support any research for alternative energy sources and has a tax plan that would benefit the rich.

How is he not a Republican again?

And One Last From Vandelay...

Okay, I wasn't going to grieve this year either just because we had lost all momentum with this place as so many people do with so many blogs but then I said something about Festivus on Facebook to which Assman posted his grievance and then my friend Zoo (Brody around here) posted a grievance which was directed straight at me. Well because it's Zoo, most of his grievances were kind of stupid but one really stuck out at me that was particularly retarded so here's my little secular rant at the dumbest grievance of all time. Sort of a counter-grievance if you will...

Zoo: And all this anti-religious propaganda and pro-Carl Saganism, it’s just as preachy as religion itself and sometimes that’s the problem, the preachiness of others.

(Bangs head against desk 58 times)

Seriously…you are an idiot. Preachiness is the problem? Preachiness? Not what’s being preached? Are fucking kidding me? I got news for you…I would love to be preached to. Preach your socks off! Tell me what I’m missing! A billion fucking people think a cracker turns into the flesh of their messiah where upon they eat him and that’s perfectly acceptable behavior. So acceptable that you can’t even be elected to high office in this country if you don’t believe it. That’s not a fucking problem, Zoo? I sit here before you today and I say…”Preach the fuck away.”

Here’s the thing Zoo…the problem is not the preachiness. It’s the inability to back up anything that you’re preaching with anything of remote substance. I embrace the shit out of the discourse yet assholes like you think it’s perfectly acceptable for people to say something and then get all offended when someone questions it just because they can hide behind the stained-glass window of Faith. See that’s the difference…I want my views constantly questioned. I’m okay with being wrong. I’m okay with not knowing things. Not knowing things is way more liberating than tying yourself to an absolute truth…an impermeable faith…especially one as retarded as the idea that a fucking Palestinian carpenter died for your sins.

I mean look at the fucking things that you’re comparing…

One Last Grievance from Assman

Yeah, we suck.

Does it matter that most of us do our grieving every day on Facebook, so... nah, I can't excuse it. We suck.

All I do is whine about Higgs Boson research detractors and bitch about man stuff on a podcast and I can't take 5 minutes out of my day to update this site? I'm this delicate? I should be caned.

But rather than let a sacred day go by without addressing it, I'll squeeze one out.

Why You Need To Smoke More Weed

Here's some stoner from Oregon (of course) giving an interview about 15 hours after having his leg cut off by a train. On the surface of course, that sounds like it would be quite the traumatic experience. His reaction? A resounding..."Meh."

Why do we not have a "drugs" tag?

Her Intolererance is So Charming

So Bachmann becomes the first candidate to sign Iowa's "Marriage Vow," which is basically 14 promises that any Republican candidate has to make in order to be considered a viable candidate I suppose. Anyway, this thing is awesome...

"Vigorous opposition to any redefinition of the Institution of Marriage – faithful monogamy between one man and one woman – through statutory-, bureaucratic-, or court-imposed recognition of intimate unions which are bigamous, polygamous, polyandrous, same-sex, etc."

Got it...just like the Constitution says...

"Official fidelity to the U.S. Constitution, supporting the elevation of none but faithful constitutionalists as judges or justices."

Wair for it...WAIT FOR IT...

"Steadfast embrace of a federal Marriage Amendment to the U.S. Constitution which protects the definition of marriage as between one man and one woman in all of the United States."

Casey Acquitted; Indignation Feigned

Okay, so Casey Anthony was acquitted of murdering her kid yesterday. You know the story...bones, duct tape, chloroform...I don't need to get into detail. I honestly didn't even follow it but I will say it's kind of weird how the jury convicted her of lying to the police and nothing else. If you think she was lying to the police, isn't the next logical question, "What was she trying to hide?"

Now this probably doesn't neccessarily qualify as a grievance but more of an observation, I suppose. After this verdict came up, Facebook absolutely blew the fuck up and I imagine that Twitter did as well. Chiles made Darden/Clark comparisons to the prosecution, Assman wanted the Melendez brothers set free, Newman was let down by his home state, and Whatley wanted to sodomize Casey Anthony...which had nothing to do with the trial outcome by the way. But outside of those clowns who actually have original thoughts, it really just turned into this network of sheep trying to make sure everyone knew that it upset them that a little girl died three years ago. Meanwhile, nobody said a fucking word about this kid since the day she died and all of a sudden it deserves the maximum amount of empathy because mommy didn't get the chair. For example...

"I can't believe Casey Anthony is innocent on all charges. There had to be at least one of thse they could have found her guilty on. However I will not make judgments on the jury as I was not in the court room with them. Casey Anthony will face her maker someday and justice will be served. God bless Caylee Marie Anthony."

"Dear Mommy...I see you smiling down there below...are those tears of joy you show? I'm glad your happy, although you lied...I'd love to be right by your side...but by your choice, I view from above...tell my Grandparents I send my love...it's Beautiful here, is all I can say...your life will go on...without me in your way. Love Caylee. XOXO. REPOST FOR A LITTLE GIRL THAT OUR JUSTICE SYSTEM LET DOWN!"

God dammit! All of a sudden, we care about the children, right? No...we don't. We care that people know that we care about the children. That's what this is all about. See, Caylee Anthony is easy for people. Terrible thing that happened to a cute (white?) child. You'd be inhuman not to feel any empathy towards that. It's so easy that it turns into a fucking competition. I think I had a point here...

Oh yeah. We've become completely desensitized towards genocide. I think the human mind likes small doses of tragedy but as that tragedy multiplies, the amount of empathy actually decreases. Just a little over a decade ago, 800,000 (mostly children) Tutsi people in Rwanda were hacked up with machetes over like nothing. I don't think word of this has even gotten to most Americans yet. So my theory is that there is actually an inverse relationship between the amount of empathy provided and the amount of tragedy that actually occurs. Kind of interesting to me. Someone smarter than me should do a study on it. Thanks.

Okay, since I'm me...I guess I do have one small grievance that goes out to all the righteous fuckers invoking Jesus to bring Casey to justice. You don't get to do that. I've said it before and I'll say it again...your justice system sucks way worse than this one. The only unforgiveable crime is apostasy and Casey Anthony is still completely eligible for an eternal paradise. If you're going to walk this earth acting like your sins don't count because you're credulous enough to believe in the sin-washing power of a 2000 year old blood sacrifice, then Casey Anthony gets the same fucking luxury. That's what you signed up for. You don't like it...good. Time to start thinking for yourself.

Oh and everyone who left their lights on all night the other night in memory of Caylee, what will you do to the environment tonight to remember the 5,000 three year olds that will die from cancer today?

BLAH...BLAH...BLAH...I CAN'T HEAR YOU VANDELAY!!!!

The Stones Are Ear-Fucking Me Again

Well I know it's 4th of July weekend and everything but I just came across this English band while getting sucked into the black hole of youtube and holy shit...the sound quality on this is incredible. I don't know who the broad with legs is but when she walked to center stage and started singing, a tear actually rolled down my cheek. Just think...I could have seen this live but I decided to jump off of a bridge and into a bed of crabs instead. Anyway, here's Mick, Keith, and company reinforcing my theory that music is devolving and regressing.

For the record, I came across this while checking out the "Playing for Change" series. All of these awesome musicians from all over the world play or sing a piece of a song separately and they put it all together in a studio. I'm quite sure that this is the best cover of it that you'll ever hear.

Also, how awesome of a name is "Washboard Chaz?"

Hidden Tiger

By AARON "PUDDY" BOND

What Tiger Woods needs isn’t a reprioritization of his private life. It isn’t knee surgery. It isn’t the requisite time away from the game to come back 100 percent.

It’s Rory McIlroy.

Now hold your horses. It isn’t that Tiger needs McIlroy as a foil to regain his identity as a golfer. Years have passed with several players attempting to prove themselves as a long-term rival to Tiger. Some have fared better than others – Phil Mickelson winning four majors, Padraig Harrington claiming three, Angel Cabrera and Retief Goosen two – but we are mostly left with a stream of one-timers who weren’t trying to do anything differently than everyone else: string together four good rounds at the right time.

McIlroy, for all his talent, is still a one-timer (insert Tiger Woods philandering joke here) and is still three or more majors from meriting the kind of talk that he has generated following his win at Congressional. Rory’s is a great story rife with similarities to Tiger but he has neither the mass appeal nor the mind-blowingly singular skill set that Tiger had relative to his peers following the 1997 Masters.

Rather, what McIlroy stands for is that, for the first time since Tiger uttered “Hello World” prior to the 1996 Greater Milwaukee Open, Woods isn’t the biggest story in professional golf.

Tiger Woods is one of a handful of athletes who have lived their sporting lives with one publicly stated purpose. These athletes didn’t just come out and give 100%; they told you explicitly that they were focused on winning and winning only.
Michael Jordan lived this. Michael Phelps made no secret that he would be disappointed if he didn’t break Mark Spitz’s records. Ty Cobb would injure you to get the upper hand.

NBA Draft 2011

Considering that it's 2011, it would make sense for me to do this thing on Twitter. I know that. Long form writing isn't in vogue, or something. Twitter is in real time. Apple is doing shit in the iCloud. Woo. The future rocks.

But here's the story... I like doing this, so I'm doing it. If the teenagers don't read it, that's great because I hate teenagers and there's a good chance I'm going to make fun of some of them later. It's the NBA Draft. It's Thursday in late June. This is my holiday. I'm at BW3 with my dudes. We live on the west coast, so we had to skip out of work early to catch the start. We're not complaining about that. Beer is flowing hard and admittedly affecting our opinions. The corpses of several hundred comically disfigured chickens are being dipped in boiling oil and sauces for us to consume in the least forgiving manner possible. Diabetes is looming large in the background. I've already mentally made love to two waitresses and, consequently, became annoyed at everything they mentally had to say when we were done. There's a guy sitting at a table near me wearing a shirt I don't understand. My team, the Pacers have the 400th mid-to-late first round pick of their existence and will use it to draft a guy that I will learn to hate by December. I'm holding a pad of paper, because - guess what - I like writing on paper. And Twitter can fellate me because I couldn't fit that paragraph into 140 characters.

Wait... you know that little divot on your scrotum that separates your balls from each other? That little center-sack area with the line on it? Imagine someone sticking their nose into that spot, wincing hard, then crying. Is there a verb for that? Twitter can do whatever that verb is to me. I'm going long form again. Nose-ball-verb my nuts, baby.

Hey Guys!

I was by myself on Father's day while the girls were waiting on me hand and foot and I had a hammock, I had a High Life, I had a laptop, and I had a keen sense of righteousness. Anyway, I decided to try to start a movement to defund the Catholic Church. This probably doesn't resonate with any of the apostate heathens that hang out here, but if you know anyone...spread the word!

I want you to imagine that you could go back in time, roughly a thousand years, to the moment where it was commanded by the Roman Catholic Papacy that the inhabitants of a worthless piece of real estate in the Middle East be exterminated. What if you, even as a member of that faith, had the authority to stop those Crusaders from shedding all of that blood in the name of one Jesus Christ of Nazareth? Would you do it?

Imagine that you could go back five hundred years and put yourself in the torture tribune of a church basement where some lowly heretic’s head was being squeezed in a vice in the name of the Messiah. What if you, even as a member of that faith, had the power to stop that Inquisitor from crushing the skull of that man in order to vindicate the seemingly victimless crime of apostasy? Would you do it?

Imagine that you could go back just about a decade ago, and put yourself in some of these third world African countries where the only thing that people have is their faith. The Roman Catholic Church provided the only source of knowledge of the outside world for these people and what did they do with that power? They had the brilliant idea of preaching to the part of the world where the AIDS virus is most prominent, that condoms not only don’t prevent the spread of that insidious disease but actually assist in spreading it. How many millions of people have died because of that brilliant policy? Make no mistake about it…this was genocide executed perfectly by an organization of old, ignorant virgins, which to this day has not even been apologized for. What if you could have tapped one of those Bishops on the shoulder as they were passing down this bullshit dogma and said, “No…this is wrong…this is enough. It ends here.” What if you had that power, even as a member of that faith? Would you use it?

Really Texas...Really?

I can't with these people. I just can't. I'm still trying to find a way to believe this didn't actually happen but for now, I'll have to deem it to be true. A psychic called the police in Hardin, TX and told them that there's this mass grave with over 50 dead bodies somewhere up on some guy's property. What lead her to this conclusion? She's a fucking psychic!

Now, some people might think that it can't hurt to check it out anyway but those people are wrong and the reason they are wrong is that if cops should lend any credence at all to psychics who see crime scenes, why wouldn't they just hire fucking psychics to be cops? Is it maybe because it's all bullshit? No seriously...not a rhetorical question. I need to know this, now! Of course it gets better because when the local 5-0 arrive, they find some dried up blood on the porch of the house. Uh-oh...

State, local and federal agents combed the area around a rural home after a woman who claimed to be psychic called police twice to report the mass grave at in Hardin, Texas about 50 miles (31 kilometers) northeast of Houston. Soon, local media were reporting that as many as 25 to 30 bodies -- including children -- were found on the rural property.

Yes...the state police wasn't enough. They actually brought in the FB mother fucking I to investigate a god damned psychic tip. So how did the blood get there anyway you might ask?

Bankson told the KHOU-TV that his daughter's ex-boyfriend got drunk and cut his wrists a couple weeks ago and is now in a psychiatric hospital.

Of course. Fucking Texas, man. Steers, queers, and crazy people.

The Morons Are Coming

Just take a quick moment to allow BFF explain the story of Paul revere to us...

Please let this women run for POTUS. I will register as a Republican just so I can vote for her in the primary.

Ray Lewis: Making It Too Easy

Ray Lewis is awesome. He's full of enthusiasm and is a great football player. He's an inspiration to young athletes everywhere and a testament to longevity in an unforgiving sport. He also, more than likely, killed a guy. Maybe two guys.

That said, Ray decided to go on TV recently and make the declaration that if there's no NFL football this year, crime will go up.

Also, from the article:

When asked why he thought crime would increase if the NFL doesn't play games this year, Lewis said: "There's nothing else to do Sal."

To be fair, Ray was simply relying on his years of criminology experience in the Baltimore PD and saying that, without football to watch, people would have more idle time, and in that listless diaspora away from our sports bars, our thoughts would inevitably turn to criminal behavior. Largely because we're a society of latent degenerates that kinda sorta want to stab each other, but lose motivation by the third quarter. And you're not at all projecting, Ray. Not a bit.

By the same logic, you can also expect to see an increase in pregnancies, better ratings for whatever else supposedly comes on TV Sundays (Heroes maybe?) and maybe an uptick in church attendance. But coming from a guy who's not guilty of murder, rather than innocent, it has a slight mafia vibe to it.

Like he's not saying anything, but maybe Roger Goodell's kids don't make it home from summer school one day. There's a lot of crazy people out there. These things happen. Maybe Roger's wife has an accident outside the beauty parlor and don't look so pretty no more. I don't know nothing. I'm just talking amongst friends.

Anyway - I just posted this because, between this and the Jesus freaks missing a Rapture, I'm sure Vandelay is too busy screaming at his walls.

Macho Man Dead

That just sucks. Really really sucks. Now, who's going to sell all these damned Slim Jims we've got laying around here? Leapin' Lanny Poffo?

 

Edit: Why not?

The Passion of the Rondo

Look, I would never have the audacity to even imply that Rajon Rondo isn't currently the most courageous man in the universe for attempting to play a basketball game with a hyper-extended elbow but can't we just maybe ease up on the hyperbole a little bit, guys. I mean, there are other people on the court doing some pretty impressive things. When the fuck did Marv and Reggie turn into Bill Russell and Tommy Heinsohn? The other night for instance, after Rondo cut through the middle and beat like three guys to give himself a wide-open lay-up on the left side of the hoop but layed it in with his right hand.

Reggie: OH MY GOD...I THOUGHT HE WAS GONNA LAY THAT IN WITH HIS LEFT HAND!!!!

Ummm...did you happen to see him cross-over dribble to his left hand perfectly and without even flinching just to get to the hoop that quickly, Reg? Furthermore, what was with the trainers carrying Rondo off the court after that happened? He had a dislocated elbow...not a knee! Do we really need to feed into the victim complex of the Boston sports fan anymore than it already has been? Have we not learned anything from Pierce's bullshit drama? I'd think as a fanbase, you'd eventually get to a point where you cease eating this shit up but...nope.

Of course, I'm not saying that Rondo is faking his injury, but maybe we can stop acting like he just ejaculated the second coming of Christ. Deal?

Ugh

After last week's Republican Debate, Fox news had a focus group with a bunch of Republican South Carolinians and you're not gonna believe this, but they all think BHO is a socialist. No...really. Now I can guarantee you that none of these people have any idea what a socialist is and they all probably think it's the same as a communist or a facist but we've come to expect this from Fox News. What happens next when they are asked why they think he's a socialist is where it gets particularly cringe-worthy.

It's not even so much the answer (which isn't even an answer) but how the fuck do these retards even accept that as a legitimate attempt at humor? Why are there people out there this retarded? Why? We have more fucking information at our disposal right now than at any time in history and all it's done is make us dumber. Why?

Hey maybe I'll just ask Joe the Plumber. OHHHHH SNAP!!!! BOOM!!!! POW!!!! WHAT UP?

Ugh.

Best. Painting. Ever.

This might be the first and probably the last time I will ever use the "Art" tag. So real quick, some dude that hates socialism and can work a brush recently pulled all of his art from the BYU bookstore after the bookstore took this painting off the shelves due to some hippy douchebags whining about the secularism of the Constitution or some shit. John McNaughton (the artist/real American) was all like "Fine, you motherfuckers don't think the Constitution was divinely inspired? I forbid you from buying my art! Ha!" Okay enough of that...let's get to the painting.

So I suppose this is the rapture we've all been hearing about for so long and it's taking place right in front of the Capitol and the Supreme Court! JC brought a bunch of dead people with him and then among the living, the ones he likes are on his right and the liberal scum on his left are I suppose about to be laid to waste. It looks like all the forefathers made the cut so that's good...even though you got guys like Jefferson, Franklin, and Payne in there who were basically atheists. Jefferson hated God so much that he made a bible omitting everything about God! I dont know what the fuck Honest Abe is doing there but he looks like Al Jolson, doesn't he? Apparently, Christa McAuliffe even made the cut (she looks good!).

The greatest part about this painting though is that you can go to the site and scroll over any part of the painting where McNaughton will provide for you a description of what each figure represents. For example, see the guy sitting to the Jewish Zombie's left on the top step with the glasses?

"College Professor - He tightly holds his Origin of Species book by Charles Darwin. This represents the liberal left's control of our education system. His smug expression describes the attitude of many of the education elite. There is no room for God in education. There is contempt for any other viewpoints. Humanism dominates the educational system of America and I believe that is wrong. Notice that he is the only one sitting at the top step. He tries to place himself on equal footing with God, but he is still nothing next to the intelligence of the Creator."

By the way, the BFF-looking chick on his right with the books is a school teacher. School teacher = good. College Professor = Bad. Also, you'll notice a dark figure to the left of the liberal professor...that's Satan. Yup...Satan even showed up to this theocratical orgy! So your assignment for today is to go to the site and learn as much as you can about this moment in history that hasn't happened yet because it's coming, baby! Oh, and after that, check out "The Forgotten Man." So great. Abe's fucking pissed!!!

Anyway, you can purchase a print for like 900 bucks so start saving. If this isn't hanging behind my bar in an ironic fashion by the end of the summer, I'm clearly not trying hard enough.

Infantilism, Anyone?

This can firmly be placed in the category of low-hanging fruit so I'll let you assholes make fun of Stanley here. I mean, I'm all for rejecting Taboo but REALLY??? FUCKING REALLY??? THIS IS A GOD DAMNED THING, STANLEY!!!

I once saw some pornography where some old hairy dudes were dressed like babies with pacifiers and everything in an oversized crib and proceeded to double-team the babysitter and I failed miserably to see how anyone could possibly be turned on by such a thing. With that being said, I understand, people have some weird-ass fantasies out there. Stanley here doesn't only cross that fantasy line...he flat out ignores it. The only time he's not a baby is when he goes to Home Depot to buy wood to make more baby shit?

If only there were some type of loophole in the justice system where we could proactively lock people up who haven't technically broken a crime...yet.

Wait, What?

I read about this press conference last week and forgot to follow up on it. Better to have the genius of Norm MacDonald highlighting it anyway. Normally when you read about something like this, you think it's gotta be exaggerated. It couldn't have happened, right? Not with Gloria Allred involved. I hope these greedy douchebag parents are happy they were able to humiliate their kids on a national stage.

On an aside, aren't the parents paying Allred to represent them?  Why does the dad (Justin) play the part of the coital receptor in the demonstration?  You'd think if he was going to volunteer to be part of the puppet show, he'd at least take the dominant role. Then again, maybe it's symbolic of the attorney-client relationship.  At the very least, it supports McDowell's original theory on Justin.

If Justin has any friends, I hope they fuckin' taunt the living shit out of him until the day he dies.

Double whiskey to Big Al B. for sending this link.

More Like "Beeyatch"-ification, Emmiright?

Swallowed up by the news of a royal wedding and the death of a mad man this weekend was the beatification of his holy highness, Pope John Paul II in front of 1.5 million of his closest fans. I don’t even understand the intricacies of this process by whereby people are made into saints. Canonization…beatification…sainthood…Greek. I do know that it’s a very long drawn out process and an expensive one at that only done for the sake of being able to say “This person was better than you.” Just another example among many that point to this shit being completely void of anything resembling humility. PJP-II himself beatified 1,338 dead people in his 27 years with that authority. Along with that authority of course comes the authority to certify a miracle and proof that you performed a miracle after you died is required for beatification.

So under this guy’s watch, we saw what may have been the biggest RCC scandal in centuries as thousands upon thousands of children were molested and raped in a sick fashion by people who were provided authority over them supposedly from God. This we know. It’s not up for debate. Throw in the condemnation of contraceptives and the spread of AIDS and poverty, the oppression of women and homosexuals, and the complete disdain for anyone who didn’t accept Christ as their savior…for anyone who may have been born into something different or simply wanted to be accountable for their own sins…and it’s clear that you have to question the sainthood of this man, immediately. If you believe in such things as he did, you should even argue that his fate should lie well in the other direction.

Osama Bin Laden

More like "Osama Bin La-Dead", emmiright? I was hoping to share some words on the disgusting beatification of the PJP-II today but apparently that story has been trumped. I have nothing to say that anybody hasn't. It's very emotional and stirs up memories of that day almost ten years ago when because of this man people found themselves having to make a decision whether to die by being burned alive or jumping out of a window 80 floors above the concrete. Mad props to the intelligence community and the military and one awesome Navy Seal that shouldn't have to buy his own drink for the rest of his life.

The Official 2011 AofG Mock Draft

Alright fools. This is Newman speaking. I’m now blocked from the AofG. Soon I’ll likely be blocked from Word and I’ll have to type these up in Notepad, print them out and fax them to Vandelay. But it will not stop me from occasionally wasting mine and everyone else’s time with pointless posts. First up is a mock NFL draft!
Why? Because everyone does them and I WANT IN. Sure, I’ve never heard of some of these first round picks until a few weeks ago. But who the fuck cares? I have sources on every team and I may as well use them. So let’s get to work.

ONE. CAROLINA PANTHERS – CAM NEWTON, QB
I have to type one because Microsoft Word is stupid and no matter how many times I tell it not to go into numbered list mode it does it anyway. But we aren’t here to debate with the paperclip. We’re here to predict who goes number one in the draft…and my sources say Cam Newton. My sources on this one were Google and ESPN.
Newton looks like a black Tebow, which is good minus the black part, and he is far ahead of Tebow as a throwing quarterback. However, I continually read accounts of his fake smile and that is something that I will NOT tolerate out of my starting quarterback. You have to smile like you fucking mean it, man! I’m supposed to watch my QB throw touchdowns while fake smiling like he’s laughing at one of Dennis Miller’s jokes? Not on my watch. However, I’m not the Panther GM and I cannot speak for him. Newton is also very versatile as numerous sources say he’ll help the Panthers sell tickets, however, I think that position would best be filled by minimum wage employees while Cam focuses on football and emotion.

2. DENVER BRONCOS – MARCELL DAREUS, DT
Josh McDaniels is out, so I would look for the Broncos to stop drafting like retards. Seriously, that guy couldn’t draft his way into Vietnam. The Broncos have horrible defensive linemen to go with their subpar LBs and ok secondary. Just happens that a very solid DT prospect is available at number 2. Putting 2 and 2 together and getting 4, I’m sending Dareus to Denver. However, the Broncos may forget to carry the one and end up drafting Colin Kaepernick or something.
Dareus has better measurables than Nick Fairley, he was not a one-year wonder, and he’s not a crazyperson, so I think that he will be the choice. My sorcerers back me up.

"Carnival Barkers" Like Dogs That Just Doesn't Know When to Shut Up

As you know, for the last four years the right wing media-suck circus has been dying to see the President's long form and they wouldn't stop screaming and crying until he whipped it out.  Today he did just that and threw in a big old golden shower of press coverage. 

And there's been obvious political value in keeping this thing going for the White House.  The birther side show might be a bit of a distraction when you're trying manage the affairs of humanity.  But on the other hand, it clearly illustrates the utter stupidity and irrelevance of fat white jesus ppl who hate the colored guy in the WH and get bounced around by tornadoes and shit while collecting.    

"Obama said that the nation had no hope of taking on the very real challenges facing the country if it continued to be distracted by “sideshows and carnival barkers.” 

Of course this is more entertainment for the WH staff than actual work- hey, not everyone has time to stroke themselves on Facebook everytime the feeling comes over.  But how often do you have the opportunity a bring a thing like this to a crescendo and then unload like Don Juan on the bunny ranch.

Maybe you would think there'd be a deafening silence drifting across the red neck media-sphere after the dark-skinned fellow posted up his birth certificate- like a firey lightning bolt from hell sent straight up the asses of Trump, Palin, Beck, Barkman, teabagger boy et al - like cold steel through a dripping lamb shish kabob.  Naah you wouldn't think that, and neither would I. 

But wait there's more yelping from tea baggers:  "so now we know his father was not an American citizen when 0bama was born on to the next issue.  How could he be a natural born citizen… if both parents are not American citizens."

As the Great Constitutionalist, Art Vandelay, would readliy inform you, while the term “natural born citizen” is not specifically defined in the original Constitution, the Fourteenth Amendment makes it clear that anyone born in the U.S. is a citizen.  

As for Trump, he says,
""I'm very proud of myself, because I've accomplished something that no one else has been able to accomplish," Trump said, adding, "Our president has finally released a birth certificate."

However, he said he would have to check out the certificate himself and wondered why the president didn't do this "a long time ago."

Hey Donny, you want the long form you're going to have to wait for it.  The President's a busy man.  

The fun can only continue.  Oh-12 is going to be an entertaining election.  

 

 

 

 

Okay Look...

...I'm not saying that BFF is a liar and a scumbag. What I'm saying is that she's either a liar or a scumbag. Seriously ladies...the picture above of a 37 week pregnant women posing with one of the aliens from Close Encounters of the Third Kind aside...if you knew you were giving birth to a baby with Down's Syndrome that required significant post-natal care, would you actually proceed to take a 20 hour trip home after your water broke?

Anyway, just read this when you get a chance. Yes, as of this morning, I thought absolutely nohing of that ridiculous rumor and I know this isn't necessarily proof of a conspiracy but the question should be asked...why didn't the "liberal media" look into this at all? They spent three months vetting the shit out of this chick and nobody thought this was even remotely relevant?

Well hopefully The Donald will get "his men" out of Hawaii and up to Alaska to get to the bottom of this.

Peyton Manning Needs That $60K

Oh, hey AofG. What's up. I've been blocked from GMail, Zuckerbook, and all the other popular websites at work, so it may be time to get back into this whole typing words thing. I doubt it will hold as I'm lazy and was kinda liking the brevity offered by FB status lines, but we'll see. A playa can't be on them spreadsheets all day without a little break, naw-mean?

Anyway, as you may have heard, the NFL's got some labor strife going on right now. And it's the kind of strife that we care about, not that stupid stuff going on over on top of Africa. That ain't gonna affect the Super Bowl. Ohhhhh, Khadafi's a dictator. He's killing his own people. Too bad...the National Guard has already been deployed because the BRONCOS ARE KILLING THE PATRIOTS!

So, in preparation for the possible (and now actual) lockout, the NFLPA (while it existed) created a lockout fund with the dues it collected from its players. Or something like that. It came out to about $60,000 per player, which is crazy because damn thems be some serious dues. There had to be something else there, too. Maybe they had Antonio Cromartie donate sperm on the side.

Anyway, now the time has come to pay out from that lockout fund. And a rich motherfucker by the name of Demarcus Ware, he of a fresh $79 million contract ($20 mil of that in one chunk for the signing bonus) has decided that he doesn't need this pittance and maybe it should go to some of the lesser ballin' players who took their $50,000 bonus and immediate bought Range Rovers (and it looks like the money came from withheld licensing fees as well...cool). From that article:

 

Other players who have cashed in — including the three big-name quarterbacks whose names have been attached to the antritrust lawsuit that goes to mediation today — should donate that money to help younger players who truly need the money.

 

So Tom Brady, Drew Brees and Peyton Manning took their money. Tom Brady, a guy who took less than he could get on the open market to allow the Patriots to build around him (a foreign stance to Mr. Manning), really has a use for this money? Sure, they've earned it because they contributed to it, but...why? These young role players (and Dez Bryant) are going to be broke in about three months. How are you gonna hold strong against a lockout when your entire kickoff team can barely afford to eat? What's Brandon Marshall going to do with $60K? How many laywers does Big Ben still need to pay off that this money's gonna find good use?

These guys need to be team players (e.g. communists) or there's no way that they're gonna last. Hell, Dez was broke even when he was getting paid. Then again, maybe some starve-time's just what he needs.

 

 

Should Jon Kyl Be Allowed To Govern?

As the evidence adds up that Arizona is quickly surpassing Georgia as the most fucked up state in the union (and is it any surprise that Georgia just adopted Arizona's immigration laws?), we now have the sad tale of Senator Jon Kyl-R(etarded).

So as I'm sure you've heard, the government almost shut down last week until they decided in the 12th hour, "Hey...let's just extend the deadline!" Seriously...why even have a fucking deadline? Anyway, the big issue that was holding up a budget agreement was the GOP's desire to defund Planned Parenthood because the GOP hates them some abortion.

Isn't it always about abortion? Like, there's no logical reason any Republican should ever be against abortion unless you consider the wrath of Jesus a logical reason. How the fuck can you be so inclined to cutting social services for the poor yet at the same time want to increase the population of the impoverished? Furthermore, how the hell is defunding the biggest provider of contraceptives in the country supposed to reduce abortions? Think about that for a second! It doesn't FIT!!! Okay, so here is Jon Kyl making the case on the Senate floor...

"Everybody goes to clinics, to hospitals, to doctors, and so on. Some people go to Planned Parenthood. But you don't have to go to Planned Parenthood to get your cholesterol or your blood pressure checked. If you want an abortion, you go to Planned Parenthood, and that's well over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does," the senator crowed.

Now as you can see in the graphic above, the Senator may have exaggerated just a bit. Either that or he just flat-out lied because "well over 90%" would indicate let's say 95%? This fucking guy just missed the truth by 92 GOD-DAMNED MOTHERFUCKING PERCENT!!!

So what went wrong?

The senator's remark "was not intended to be a factual statement but rather to illustrate that Planned Parenthood, an organization that receives millions in taxpayer dollars, does subsidize abortions," Kyl's staff says in a statement.

No. Unacceptable in every way imaginable. Fire him now. He is not allowed to serve and if you voted for him you need to have those rights revoked immediately. I'm sorry, but there's simply no other way around it.

Al Sharpton -v- Cornel West

The Big Reverend Al calls out Cornel West. Beautiful. (Fun starts at about the 2:00 mark.)

Did I exceed my word limit Assman?

This Man Is Still Talking

And we're back to our friend Louie Gohmert. After having taken up Congress' time in the past introducing us to the idea of "Terror Babies", proposing that Congressmen should be packing heat wherever they are after the Gabby Gifford's incident, and most recently, dickishly proposing a vote to "reaffirm" the country's motto as "In God We Trust" after nobody was even protesting it, good old Louie was given the floor again this afternoon and he may have actually topped himself in the department of wasting everyone's time.

Now I haven't read Obama's healthcare bill and I would never claim to know very much about the intricacies of his plan at all but some of you have and do, so you might know what we're dealing with here. Basically, the plan at one point calls for an army of thousands of doctors and nurses that can be commissioned to serve in the case of a domestic catastrophe such as 9/11 or Katrina. The idea was first proposed under the Bush administration after 9/11. Well Louie seems to think that Obama has created his own private military (why this would be part of a healthcare plan nobody fucking knows) to be ready to serve at his disposal. So what Obama has done in Libya is a blatant attempt to use up all of our military resources in order to justify him calling upon his own army that he commissioned from the healthcare plan. No really...this is how Congress spent their time today.

By all means though...let's keep giving this whack-job a microphone and a podium. This is unquestionably a productive use of tax money.

Move Over Ashcroft

This is just rich. Fucking Bieber down here is apparently tormented over the state of America as he sits in front of his parents $30,000 baby grand in their half-million dollar home singing about the fall from grace we've had to endure since the 1700s. Hey, here's a thought...instead of wondering where all of the great slave masters went, maybe go out in the driveway and shoot some hoop? Don't worry, the Mexicans mowing your lawn aren't gonna eat you there, champ.

Where the hell were these indignant white teenagers when Dubya was starting ill-advised wars?

Wait...This Really Happened?

How the fuck did I not know about this? The U.S. Attorney General wrote and recorded a song and then performed it live to an actual audience? WTF? This could possibly be better than Drinking out of Cups! Shame on every last one of you for holding out on me like this!

Could possibly be the greatest thing I've ever seen. Harrison's 100 yard pick-6 in the Super Bowl is under some serious fire.